Fortan Reviews Crap: WrestleCrap and CRAPHOLE THE WRESTLECRAP FORUM

Okay, today i was looking for some old posts i did on Craphole, "the official Wrestlecrap Forum" and also visited to see new topics, and i've got to admit, the name really tells everything.

This is really the Craphole of Wrestling Forums and everyone act there like RD Reynolds.

Speaking of RD, i'm going to review both Craphole and it's "father", the jolly good Wrestlecrap.

Well, the word "good" doesn't exist in WrestleCrap or Craphole.

What the fuck am i talking about, you ask? Okay...

Wrestlecrap is a site that reviews shitty wrestling-related things, some that aren't even that bad, but RD is still furious about that Big Show chokeslammed him on OVW Show, and keeps mocking everything Wrestling-related like 18-year old beerdrinking Something Awful-user. His jokes are mostly crapping on EVERYONE, from the cameraman to the fucking homeless man in the audience.

I am not going to tell that RD has done bad job here, the guy has inspired a lot of sites, including THE BLOG YOU'RE READING RIGHT NOW! And my failed This Crap of Site: http://thiscrapofsite.weebly.com/

But anyways, RD and his site is full of...stupid shit but it pretty much inspired the whole "500% pessimistic reviews with a lot of curse words, personal insults and dick jokes"-genre before AVGN.

Next, we have Craphole...

ugh.....

UGH!

Let's see a typical craphole thread...

THREAD TITLE: the problem with Punk's title reign

FIRST IMPRESSION: Smark explains why Punk's title reign is lame, he compares it to better wrestler's reigns and also few curse words, personal insults and dick jokes. Others rejoice and tell why Vince McMahon is gay.


THREAD ITSELF: http://newwrestlecrap.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=wwe&action=display&thread=13874

WHAT IT REALLY WAS: Too short, and the poster was a 5-year old smark, i had no idea what he was trying to say...

But this Josh Spicer guy is really interesting, he called me a troll when i tried to show my honest opinions. Do you call RD a troll??? Nope.

However, some of the wrestling-related threads are far more interesting than in the other forums...

Such as, they imagine if they're stuck in elevator with Vinnie Mac...

Well, nobody seems to take the thread seriously, and is full of mythology gags, personal jokes, ambiguous attemps of trolling and thankfully, not attemps to kill him or making a dick joke...

And this is the reason why i still lurk in there, no matter am i banned or what. Sense of humour these guys have is much better than RD's. Those threads make me laugh.

Wait... i turned into a flame war between a hipster and utterly sarcastic dude, why those two guys haven't been banned yet????

Good and bad sides of Craphole, in same thread, how nice...

Hipster known as silentstranger, who is anything but silent, ugh, everytime i see this guy doing a post i know there will be personal insults, curse words, but no dick jokes because they're too mainstream.

His worst enemy is, suprisingly still not banned, Naim. Like i said, he is utterly sarcastic, not 4chan-sarcastic, he is that-kind-of-sarcastic. Sarcasm that you would see in English pubs, a sarcasm that hasn't been on pages for years. Naim still knows how to use this sarcasm.

Those two guys are always fighting, no matter what. That ruins the fucking atmosphere, funny when i showed my opinions, i got banned, by...sigh...Mr. Pitch.

This silly childish gimmick poster not only bans you, but also EMBARRASSES you completetly. He edits over the posts that he doesn't like. He bans everyone, but still, he hasn't banned silentstranger...

Also because this is a wrestling forum, it's obvious you can see oldfaggortism here too. But most of the people are actually oldfags, so it''s not typical "Cena Sucks Dick"...

It's lousy, annoying, whining that takes your good mood away and makes you hate everyone and everything.

That whining made me rage towards Wrestling and that's why i got banned.

Craphole has too many arguements, and makes me always bring in popcorn. They rarely leads to thread lock, because most of the mods are sarcastic and can't take anything seriously, and yeah, did i mention the whole forum doesn't have ANY FEMALE MEMBER??? If there's a girl, it's either banned or it's male in disguise (I'm looking at you, Scorpina) so there is no equality there.

They're funny but angry, and that angriness is usually laughable. So the entire existence of forum is just a big joke. And RD is the main clown of the circus of arguements, and silentstranger is the tax inspector, and Mr. Pitch is the one who drives tax inspectors away.

I wonder what happens when they find this post, i guess they make curse words, personal jokes aaaaaand of course dick jokes, you know why? Because they're
THE CRAPHOLE THE OFFICIAL WRESTLECRAP FORUM

Omnigiantess Community AKA why awesomex18 is an idiot

Okay, the following story is not a sexfanfic, it's more like "Take That" to some old community i used to belong into, until one idiot fucked it all up.

This isn't any Filthy Fanfiction Corner, this, is the story of popularity, giant sizes, wrong decisions, and fight for the heart of a girl...

This is the story of Omnigiantesses, and how i involved with it, and how i didn't involve with it.

It all started in the early 2012, when i made a bunch of shitty collages that gave me views thru deviantart's Omnigiantess group. That was pretty darn cheap way to get views.

However, one girl saw my collages and liked them a lot, no matter how much they sucked.

Her name, i mean username, was sexyasiangirl...

I, the cold one, who just had several arguments with Dave Fandom (they ignored me after that), fell in love with her.

She inspired me to make even more collages, that got a lot of attention and also introduced me to... awesomex18, shortly AX, the founder of the whole group so he was pretty much the big boss of all the bigger-than-planet stuff on deviantart, or at least he thought he was one. Where there is giga stuff, there is AX, and nobody can't avoid it.
Well, AX invited me into his forums and there i met a lot of cool people.

Well, cool and cool until i found out they were just AX's asskissers. Ugh.

There was also Bigger-Than-Big guy, he was awesome dude and not a foolish asskisser! Sadly he's no longer active, i guess it's because of AX's jerkass attitude.

I did more shit, until i started to bring in previous feuds into there, then AX got mad and started to remove my comments to not give forum a bad name. (While there was user called anybody, who acted like a /b/ user all the time, heck, not even Craphole has one, and it's a wrestling forum with hipsters and bronies!)

That annoyed me, and i did a boycott from Giantess collages, twice. But, sexyasiangirl brought me always back, i didn't help it, she was adorable, and still is.

But it finally rushed when i realized that AX was obviously made-up boss for the omnigiantess business in deviantart and some other places and i decided to tell my honest opinion, Not only that, but also his friend Trayx, (i forgot about him!) and the founder of forum, was being a worthless dictator in the forum and was the one who targeted me with personal insults. After little "rebellion" i got banned forever, and if AX ever sees me again he is blaming me, and has probadly told everyone in those fucking forums that i don't exist. Basically i've became the Chris Benoit of the Giantess business.

Only person who still remembers me is sexyasiangirl, he noted me few days ago and told he had stopped making collages, original me would've cried, but nowadays i don't care about it much...

Now, after half a year, i returned to Omnigiantess forum to see what they were up with, and, i was disgusted.

90% of the images were shitty self-repeating MMD Images made by AX's friend, who is only friend so AX can give him requests.
Kasuko-Sa... i mean, kasuko-san, ugh, personality-lacking, crappy model making, (All the girls she creates look incredibly similar) and... errr... BORING "artist" gets all the fame and not any of the GOOD ART gets into the featured section. And no, i'm not meaning myself, my stuff was crap

Also look at one of the most recent comments someone gave to him:

Your work is incredibly done. Just wishing to express my admiration for it.

I'm sure this guy was just being sarcastic, kasuko-san's "work" is just a bunch of shitty models taken from different angles and without any kind of a plot on 'em. Yet AX forced me to use some kind of plot for my collages WHAT

I can't really blame kasuko-san, it's possible that he can't draw like me, i just think he doesn't deserve... that much. Unless he's a girl like sexyasiangirl. But no, profile states me that he's a man. He is either emo or AX just likes him because he keeps making his requests, i guess it's the later one.

I still like omnigiant stuff, no matter how idiotic AX is about it, if i see a good one i will like it.

I would like to find DNAPalmhead's "Super Smash Bros"-comic, it's not really giantess stuff, but, it might be the biggest growth thing of all time and beats AX's dull stories ANYTIME.

Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction Corner: First Taste of Love

Ahhhh, love. No matter do you love real people or fictional characters, you're still in love.

Don't get me wrong! I am a good lover, if i would have a chance! It's just that "marrying" and "mother-in-law" parts that make me avoid big love...

Also these "lemonfics" make me avoid love because these guys don't know what sex really is! Well i don't know either, but according to our school books it doesn't have pleasure screams and other shit you see in porn.

I'm sorry, i promised you i wouldn't review a lemon fanfic, but i didn't found any ridiculous crossovers or stupid story arcs that i could review.

This story tells us about the "First Taste of Love", also known as sex. Oh? Did i mention what fanfic this exactly is?

It's Lucky Star Fanfic.

Yeah, dude! So we have two little girl's suck each other vaginas! And maybe there will be some vibrators too!
Well, it's still better than two male antromorphic animals having sex, and that was the first fanfic i reviewed!

Let's start reading this fanfic, which has been written by... B25Mitch??? Why all these guys need to have a "bitch" in their username? It makes them look pimpy dudes with hat and co...no i'm not putting this again.

Anyways, enjoy! I mean, Do not enjoy! Even if you liked this show! DO NOT ENJOY ABOUT THE FANFIC!

Konata, Kagami, Tsukasa, and Miyuki were sitting around a table at lunch talking about various things when Konata interrupted, "We need to have a sleepover."

"Shut up, Kid!" Miyuki told. "That's girls stuff!"

"Where did that come from all of a sudden?" Kagami asked.

"Well, there's a long weekend coming up, so I just thought…" Konata's voice trailed off. She took a bite of her lunch to occupy her mouth.

"We could have sex!"

"I think a sleepover would be a good bad idea," said Miyuki.

Konata started to say something, but Tsukasa interrupted with, "Are you offering your house, Miyuki?"

Miyuki replied with, "Actually, my mom is a little sick right now."

"She keeps screaming my fathers name and breaks things up with an axe."

"My house is," Konata tried to say.

"Well our parents are going out of town, so that's out," said Kagami.

Why can't you go there? For a secret meeting! It's a bunch of lesbian little girls after all...

"But I…" Konata tried again.

Tsukasa said, "I guess we can't have a sleepover then."

Nobody cares about Konata because she's a vanilla midget.

"PLEASE EVERYBODY COME TO MY HOUSE!!!!" Konata screamed, which caused everyone in the classroom to turn and look.

Making herself look like an attention whore... GOOD JOB!

Kagami replied sheepishly, "If it's ok…"

"Of course it is. I'll just have to tell my dad not to do anything weird.

???

Plus, Yui has the weekend off, so she'll be there."

Yui is dead! Oh wait, wrong show.

That Friday, the four girls arrived at Konata's house after school. A creepy looking unshaven man with scruffy blue hair, wearing robes and a dust mask, greeted them at the door. 

Drunk Ric Flair! 

Despite his harried appearance, the girls were unfazed. Konata said, "Hey dad. The girls are sleeping over remember? Get some clothes on." A single tear ran down Soujirou's cheek.

Why did crazy pedophile wanted children? Konata's life must suck ass...

As the girls entered Yui poked her head out of the kitchen. "Hey girls. I'm making a hot pot for dinner."

Oh god, stop stereotyping! Just because i live in Finland, it doesn't mean i always eat salmon!

The smoke detector went off. "Oh god! It's boiling over!" After several minutes of banging and cursing, Yui poked her head out again. "How does instant curry over rice sound?"

I forgot they lived in China! Where are the censoring politicians and slaves on stone mines?

While the girls were setting up the Wii

Playstation is better! At least the original one! And SNES is better than Wii too, but only because of DKC! I have SNES!

for the night's games, Konata called out to Yui, "Can you make mine over a Cup Noodle?"

"Ew. Curry over shrimp ramen?" Kagami asked.

"I am going to have sex tonight, i need weird food" Konata said.

"Absolutely," Konata said, "I saw someone do it in a show, so I tried it and I liked it."

"I think I'll stick with rice."

Yui brought the dinner out from the kitchen and placed it on the table. Five bowls of curry over rice and one of curry over ramen. 

"I'm a problem child!" Ralph Wiggum Konata Izumi said.

Once Yui had sat down, they all began eating.

Time to set the bait. Konata thought, and said, "Hey dad, did the new Robot Wars game we ordered come in yet?"

Those Girls are pretty badass... no pun intended.

"Yes," her father said, "I put it on you desk." This piqued Kagami's interest, but she held it in. I'll have to check that out later, she thought.

"Hey Konata, can I try out that new game later?" Kagami asked.

D'Aaawww, she's just like me when i was a little boy. And she's a girl

"Sure," Konata said, "How about right after dinner, let the others play Wii first."

What if that game was for Wii?? You know, Wii is a Japanese "game".

Kagami agreed and the rest of dinner went uneventfully.
After dinner, Konata grinned wildly as Kagami practically dragged Konata to her room. "All is going perfectly to plan."

"I am going to kill Kagami and take his panties..."

"Hey Kagamin, I have to go to the bathroom. My dad said the game was on my desk, so can you start getting it installed?" Konata asked.

Konata peeked through the cracked open bathroom door as Kagami opened the box. She pulled out the game and underneath it was an object in a clear plastic clamshell package. Kagami picked it up. It was two pink devices connected by a length of cord. One was egg shaped, about an inch across, the other was rectangular, and was sized to nicely fit in the palm of the hand. The label read, "Bullet Style Corded Personal Massager with Bonus Trial of Happy Rabbit Lubricating Oil."

Oh no! It's an Easter Ornament from Middle-East! Somebody call CIA!

Kagami read the label and started to think, why would it come with lubri-, when the truth dawned on her. She dropped the box in shock and tentatively called out, "Konata, I think your box got mixed up with someone else's."

Konata came out of the bathroom, playing ignorant. "What was that?" She looked down at the box on the floor. "Oh good, my vibe came."

WHAT??!!! You're about 5 years old! You aren't supposed to masturbate until you're 14!

Kagami was shocked. "You bought one of those? You ma- m-"

MA'AM!

"Masturbate?" Konata offered.
"Don't say it out loud!"

You can masturbate without vibrator you know, just ask me! Or Shinji Ikari...

"Oh Kagamin," Konata said smoothly, sliding up close behind her. She whispered in her ear, "You can't tell me you've never done it. You're all alone, you feel a yearning in your loins…" Konata slid her hand up the front of Kagami's thigh.

Konata is disgusting...

Kagami, surprised, pushed Konata away. "Y- you're disgusting."

WHAT DID I SAY??

"Come on Kagami. We're all friends here," Konata said, then added sweetly, "I really like you, Kagamin."

Not again...

Kagami backed away and said, "This joke has gone far enough!"
"Right. Joke," Kagami said dejectedly. She took a deep breath, looked at the floor, and struggled not to cry.

Kagami, seriously, you're being harassed by 5-year old, just run away or call the cops!

"Y- you're really serious, aren't you?"

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF ARE YOU SERIOUS! I'M DEE-OH-DOUBLE-GEE AND BY MY SIDE AS ALWAYS, JOSH "BOILING HOT POT" MATTHEWS

Konata said sobbingly, "Kagami, you," before bursting into a huge smile. "This is just too much. You're so cute."

Say that to boys, you fucking lesbian!

"You're terrible. I felt really bad. It was all a lie?"

THE END

"Well, not all of it," Konata said, taking Kagami's hand. "I really do like you."
"Don't try to trick me again."
"I'm not." Konata pressed Kagami's hand against her chest. "Feel how hard my heart is beating?"
"Konata…"
"Can I… Can I kiss you?"

I lost it... What they were talking about again...?

Standing in the center of the room, they embraced and kissed deeply. Their clumsy tongues explored new mouths for the first time.

Why EVERY SINGLE lemonfic i read has to have that tongue-exploring thing? Come up with something original already!


When their lips parted, Konata said, "That was better that I ever imagined."
 So you actually imagined???!!! Go to therapist, problem child!

Konata began unbuttoning Kagami's shirt while nibbling on her neck.
"We can't do this," Kagami said.
"Why not?"

"We're too young."
"We're both 18."

WHAT?? So this takes its place into far future?

"We're both girls."

No shit.

"That doesn't bother me," Konata said as she slipped Kagami's shirt off her shoulders. Kagami moaned softly as Konata kissed her stomach. "Will you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?"

Nope, i offer cheeseburgers, with YELLOW Fries! And also add those Coca-Cola rip-offs as a drink too!

Kagami sighed heavily and stroked her friend's hair. "OK, Konata. Make me feel good."

Just plug in SNES.

They moved to sit side by side on the bed, half turned toward the other. With quick nervous breaths they undressed each other. "Just relax," Konata said.

Konata made Kagami lay down on the bed, and crawled up next to her. She kissed Kagami gently on the chest around her small, soft breasts. Konata's mouth found Kagami's right nipple and her hand found the other. The stimulation made Kagami's breath to go erratic. Konata planted kisses up Kagami's neck to her lips. They kissed furiously as Konata's hand slid snake-like down Kagami's torso to reach a small tuft of purple hair.
Kagami was surprised at how comfortable she felt being touched by her friend. She let herself melt into the pleasure. BLAH BLAH BLAH
Konata hovered over her friend. They rubbed their small, sensitive breasts against each other's, teasing their nipples.

Suddenly NIBBLA! *CHOMP*

Konata slid down and licked her friend's pussy, pausing at the clitoris, her tongue dancing in circles around the tiny pink protrusion. Kagami got up on her elbows, head back, eyes closed, breathing heavily. Her breaths turned to shaky gasps as Konata wrapped her lips around the clitoris and sucked on it. When Konata gently squeezed the clit with her teeth, Kagami lost control of her arms. She fell onto her back. Her eyes were tearing and she was moaning uncontrollably.

Okay enough of this facking bullshit!


Konata stopped sucking and licked her lips. "I'm going to put my finger inside you, ok?"
Kagami managed to eke out an 'ok'. Konata went back to sucking Kagami's clit. Her left hand went up to Kagami's breast, playing with the nipple. Her right hand toyed with her friend's hole. She put her finger in to the first knuckle. Kagami gasped. Konata's left hand left the breast and went down to her own pussy. She desperately wanted Kagami to touch her, but she affirmed herself that her friend's pleasure came first.
Konata slipped her entire index finger into Kagami's pussy. Kagami bucked her hips. She dug her fingernails into her palms, gripping the sheets. Moans erupted from Kagami's throat as Konata rubbed the tip of her finger against the inside of her friend's hole.
Kagami tries to speak, "Ko- Konata, there's a- a tightness. AH! In my a- abdomen. Hah, hah, oh, right there. My- my body's tensing up!"
Konata takes her finger out and sucks on the hole with her mouth. She slips her tongue in, massaging Kagami's clit with her fingers. With her mouth working the hole, her nose rubs against her clit.
Kagami's body spasmed. "It's too much! I can't take it! I'm going to die! AAAHHH!"
Kagami's body shook as she orgasmed. Her vagina contracted, squirting liquid into Konata's mouth. This flow of cum drove Konata over the edge. She orgasmed immediately after her friend. Both girls lay on the bed panting.
Konata crawled up next to Kagami and they kissed. Kagami said, "I don't know what to say. I love you so much."

And they were both arrested for performing lesbian sex as an underaged.

Okay, this was the same bullshit as always. I promise i'll give you something new next...
 

Rest in Peace. Playstation 2 (AKA Why Gaming Is Dead)

Dear gamers, (By gamers i mean people who have once touched PS2 but never have touched COD) today, is a sad day for us gamers.
Those jerkasses on Sony have officially stopped making Playstation 2's, which means they no longer make new PS2 games.

So, that means you're never able to play Crash Bandicoot ever again!
Basically children can't discover those cool games we once had, and they have to stick up with Call Of Duty, Valve, Killzone, Battlefield 3, FarCry, Uncharted etcWHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE GAMES???! NOTHING! THEY'RE ALL SAME FUCKING FPS GAMES WITH SAME FUCKING STORYLINE!!

The Only gaming consoles we have these days are Wii U, Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. Nerds keep fighting which one is the best console ever.

Answer is none, they're alll good, and bad.

But PS2 was the last simple console, it was the last console before those stupid DLC things, LAN-parties and trolls showed up. It was a good console with decent graphics, it had a good run with Xbox, then they both were shut down and they were replaced by the "Scrappy Doo's" of gaming, PS3 and Xbox 360!

These consoles made the youth what it is today: shitty, lame and incorporately lazy to do ANYTHING! They just get drunk and play some COD/Killzone/Farcry/Valve/ANYTHING THAT IS FP AND HAS GUNS AND PEOPLE IN IT!

Basically, after Ps2 died, you'll never see good games anymore, all the games are just replacements of the previous, they have no catchy soundtracks, they are mostly sequels, they are all clones, they try to improve but then they just become hugely overrated AKA bad.

If you think you're a man if you have PS3, you're wrong.
If you think you're a man if you have Xbox 360, you're wrong
If you think you're a man if you have Steam profile, Facebook Account and dance to Khaknang Stache every day, you're wrong!
You're a man, if you still have got that old good PS2 fella right in front of your tv...

Rest In Peace, PlayStation 2 (2000-2012)
The Last Good Gaming Console Ever Made

Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction: Jaden and Alexis have hot sex!

You got here by searching porn, didn't you? You're fucking gross and stop giving me dream that my stupid blog is actually popular.

Okay, the name of this blogpost already tells why i have inducted this into "the list of bad fanfiction". While other sex fanfics had CREATIVE names, this name pretty much spoils the whole darn thing.

And this was written by YoBitch, sounds like some kind of a pimp with a hat and dick.

Well, a lot of people have a hat and dick, and those people are usually Gladstone Gander's who love to piss you off by saying they're better than you, because they have a hat and dick and you dont have a hat.
Hats cost a lot, and only cool people wear a hat, Have you ever seen George Bush wear a hat? He's not cool, and that's why he doesn't wear a hat.
If you wear a hat, you're cool. If you wear a hat and have a dick, you're a pimp, and also you love to piss people off, so it's plus minus to have a hat and wear a dick... i mean wear a hat and have a dick!

Anyway, back to the subject...

This fanfic is about another Pokeyman ripoff, called You-Zee-Ohno, also known as Yu-Gi-Oh. Never cared about the series, but i once saw Yu-Gi-Oh GX, which seems to be meant for kids, because original Yu-Gi-Oh was, well, creepy.

Also Yu-Gi-Oh spawned the famous abridged series, that i will not watch, because it's overrated.

Although i do watch Marvel Mashups...

This, is a story, of Jaden and Alexis, having hot sex. Jaden is a boy, who is a copy of Yugi from the original series, and ironically, in Finnish dub of the show, he was voiced by the same guy who voiced Shobu from Duel Masters, which is obviously a Yu-Gi-Oh clone, expect Duel Masters is more easier.

Alexis instead, well, has too big breasts, BUT IT'S ANIME, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT???

Let's see how they gon' make it. Will it turn out to be lame, or more lame?

One night Jaden was sitting by himself in the Slyfer Red dorm on a beautiful night thinking about his life. He had all the duel skills that a man could ever want but he wanted something more. He wanted a girlfriend. He thought about who he would like to have as his girlfriend.

Make sure you have the hat and dick... oh wait, Jaden has none.

How do i know that?
You can guess from personality. What i've seen, i'm pretty sure Jaden is a pussy!!11 EHAHUHEHAHUHEHAHUHEHAAAH!!!

"Maybe Jasmine," he thought, "No,she's fugly" he continued

"Damn the wife of that dubstep maker is so Frikin' FUGLY!"

"Then again maybe I should ask out Mindy," he thought to himself once again, "No, she's dumb as a brick."

Hey! Don't insult bricks!

Then he thought about Alexis. "She's the perfect girl," he thought to himself. She had it all. She was great at dueling, she was smart and good looking, but most importantly she had a nice pair of rockin tits.

WELL OF COURSE! Why all the male characters are always perverts???

Jaden began to sit there and think about her. He just couldn't get her out of his head! 

For a while i didn't neither, when i first discovered fictional falling-in-love.

Then it stopped when i discovered Evangelion...

"Thats it!" he said to himself, "I'm going over to the Obelisk Blue dorm to ask out Alexis right now!"

Well, that doesn't solve your problems, because... you're not funny and nobody likes you!

I don't know what was the point of that...

Jaden ran out of his dorm as fast as he could into the night and ran across the Duel Academy campus. 

What kind of security those shitheads have anyway? How do they make sure that nobody escapes from the island? Well, at one episode Chazz escaped and nobody gave a shit, then he revenged by bringing in the Russian Prisoner Academy, that accidentally was disappeared to the South Pole. Of course Marty-Stu Jaden saved the day again and Chazz was executed. And There was much... YES I'M GONNA SAY IT DEAL WITH IT ...rejoicing.

While he ran he thought about what he was going to say to Alexis when he arrived. 

Just play this:

"I'm just going to tell her exactly how I feel." he told himself.

"ALEXIS! I HAVE NOT DICK! CAN I BORROW YOURS????!"
Tumblr humor, people.

Jaden swiftly climbed up the balcony 

AND THEN HE'LL BE DANGLED OFF'D!

that led to Alexis' second story window. Once he was safely on the deck above he noticed that the only light on in her room was coming from the bathroom and that steam was coming out.

SOMEONE'S GRANNY IS MAKING COOKIES IN THE DRYER!!

"She must be in the shower!" Jaden thought ecstatically.

Nice find, Captain Obvious.

"She won't want to see me. Maybe I should do back now." He thought but then he got a surge of confidence. "I'm going to march right in there and tell her how I feel!" He said to himself determined.

The next day Jaden S. Yuki was arrested from sexual harassment. He was banished into a lost island of Melee where he became Guybrush Threepwood, A Mighty Pirate™! Expect not.

Jaden took a deep breathe and knocked on the glass door that led to Alexis' room. He peered inside and noticed that she had turned off the water and then he saw the door begin to crack open. Then Alexis walked out with a towel covering her body from above her breasts to her knees. She went over by the glass door and opened it. She poked her head out and said inquisitively, "Jaden what are you doing here so late at night? Shouldn't you be in your dorm?"

"Look, Alexis. Ummm....uh....errrrr....Shall we shag now, or shag later?"

WHOA NELLY

THEN JADEN WAS FIRED

Jaden blushed a little. "Well," he began, "There was just something that I wanted to talk to you about." He said.
Alexis let out a sigh and then said, "Alright, come in and have a seat."
She opened the door to let Jaden in and they both went inside. "Please, sit down." Alexis said rather nicely. Jaden went and sat down on her bed. Alexis went and sat down next to him, still clothed only in the towel she grabbed as she left the shower.

"WHAT HAVE YOU GOT UNDER THAT THING???"

Next day, Jaden was found dead, with a train dropped on him.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" Alexis asked.
"Well it's just that… uuhh," Jaden began but his mouth wouldn't move because he was too focused on what was in front of his eyes. His eyes had wondered over to Alexis' nice big breasts. 

Not again...

Look, the problem is that the academy suits are too small for her size... I mean she's SIX AND HALF feet tall!

They were barley being contained by the towel and they were still slightly wet from her getting out of the shower. "It's just that I really wanted to tell you that I like you a lot Alexis." Jaden said finally finishing his sentence.

Well, that went okay. And without any sil...

"Infact I think I might be in love with you." He said.

You are so dead...

Then a huge blush went across Alexis' face. "Well, this is all happening so fast," she said "but I've felt the same ever since I met you Jaden Yuki. I love you too"

GOD DAMN IT! WHY EVERYTHING MUST ALWAYS GO LIKE THIS??!
I kinda wish Alexis would've stalked Jaden unsuccesfully and then masturbated over pictures of him, Oh come on, show that men aren't the only freaks!

Jaden was relieved that she felt the same way that he did so that he didn't have to deal with the pain of rejection. Just then Alexis pulled Jaden into a deep, passionate kiss. This caught Jaden off guard but he kissed her back with just as much love and passion as she had.

They were made out on Alexis' bed for some time when Alexis' hand had begun to drift down towards Jaden's crotch. She started to feel his member through his pants while they were making out.

WHY DON'T THEY SAY ANYTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIING??!

Alexis then broke their embrace and got down and began to undo Jaden's belt. She brought down his pants and put Jaden's member into her hands.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jaden asked her.
"Oh yes I'm sure Jaden. I love you and I don't see whats wrong with having sex if we both love each other."

Oh come on, this is getting lame!

"Ok, if thats how you feel." Jaden said, "Then I agree."
Right after Jaden said this he grabbed hold of the towel around Alexis' and he removed it from her body, unleashing her massive breasts. The very sight of them gave Jaden a boner and he took them in his hands and started to play with them

Suddenly NIBBLA! *CHOMP*

but he stopped when he began to feel an amazing feeling around his penis. He looked down and Alexis was sucking his dick.

BAH GAWD!

"Does that feel good?" Alexis asked Jaden seductively.

"Oh yeah." Jaden moaned in pleasure.
Alexis was sucking off the top of his dick while she let her fingers dance on the lower part near the base giving him a handjob. Suddenly, Jaden pulled his penis out of Alexis' mouth.

At that moment, Jaden realized he was a pussy...

"Yes," Jaden replied, "but I just wanted to return the favor." Then he picked up Alexis and set her on the bed. He spread her legs open wide and got a look at her fantastic pussy. He put his head in her crotch and began to lick her vagina. He moved his tongue around there and he would lick her clitoris. Alexis was obviously enjoying this because she began to moan loudly out of pleasure.

"I want to see if your boobs feel as good as they look." Jaden said as he raised himself up and got up on top of Alexis. Then he took his dick and placed it in-between Alexis giant boobs. She pressed them against his dick and he began to thrust his member forward between them.

Okay, this guy has watched too much hentai.

"Oh yes!" Jaden said, "They definitely like up to how great they look!" Alexis had begun to suck his dick while Jaden was pumping it into her cleavage.
"Seeing your dick between my tits makes me so horny!" Alexis exclaimed. "I want you inside me so bad!" Alexis said.
"You asked for it." Jaden said as he split Alexis' legs and prepared his member to enter her. He slowly entered her vagina procuring low moans from Alexis.
"Oh, that feels good," she exclaimed, "pick up the speed a bit."

I don't want to masturbate into this, you know why?
Because this is boring!

Jaden began to trust into her faster producing even more, louder moans from Alexis.
"Give it to me harder!" Alexis yelled.
Jaden did as she said and began to go full speed into Alexis' pussy. She screamed and her juices began to flow all over Jadens dick as she had an orgasm. The feeling of Alexis' juices on Jaden's dick just made him even more horny than he already was.

This is just like a porn movie, It was FEW FEETS close that this could've had an actual plot, but no.

Suddenly, Jaden pulled his dick out of her vagina. "Are you finished? That was amazing." Alexis said.
"There's more where that came from." Jaden said. "Get on your hands and knees."
"You want to go into my ass?" Alexis said.
"Don't worry" Jaden said. "I'll go slow"

"Don't worry, honey! When i'll take this car to the Cave of Killer Wasps, i'll go slow!"

 Oh, also, why don't they use condom? Oh yes, because it's porn.

Alexis shook her head approvingly and Jaden slowly put his dick into Alexis' ass. Alexis began to yell partially out of pain and partially of of pleasure. Slowly the pleasure began to out do the pain and Jaden began to increase the speed he was thrusting until he was going all out into Alexis' asshole.

"DON'T WORRY MA'AM! KILLER WASPS ARE SLOW! I'LL GO FAST!"

Alexis started screaming very loudly as she had a crazy huge orgasm with Jadens dick pumping her ass as fast as he could.
"I'm going to finish." Jaden said as he removed his member from Alexis' asshole. Alexis quickly got on her knees and began to rapidly tug on Jaden's dick giving him a handjob. Jaden started to moan and Alexis' handjob caused him to start ejaculating all over Alexis' face, tits, hair, and into her wide open mouth.
Alexis swallowed the cum that was in her mouth and she started to lick off the jizz that had landed on her boobs.

SHIPWRECK!

They both lay down on Alexis' bed and they fell asleep naked in each others arms.
The next morning Alexis woke up to an empty bed and she got up and noticed that a note had been placed on her nightstand.
"Dear Alexis,
Last night was amazing horrible. I'm glad we have similar feelings for each other don't have anything in common at all. For example, you're a woman and i'm a man, you're blonde and i'm a brownie, I love you my DKC trilogy collection more than anything in the world. Same time tonight? Also you're fired.
Love,
Eustace Pietime"

Alexis blushed and held the note close to her heart.
"Same time tonight?" she asked herself, "Yes Jaden Yuki, same time tonight" she said to herself as she began to get dressed for the day ahead

THE END.

Okay, that story sucked, because the plot was ruined by sex and nobody even wore a hat!

I think i've reviewed enough sex fanfics for now, i think i go back to ridiculous fanfics again, such as horrible crossovers etc.

Hope you liked this, please comment and give me suggestions for more bad fanfics to review!

Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction: Love In The Bakery!

it's time for DUN-DUN-DUN Triple-F of death, Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction Corner!
I've also realized why people don't read this, it's because this is an obvious rip-off of Topless Robot's "Bad Fanfic Friday". Although, i love those guys and i try NOT to copy them.

Also, before we continue, i would like to thank each and everyone for giving this blog over 1000 VIEWS! I hope this shit gets famous before i quit one day!

Anyways, Let's start our review of next bad fanfic called "Love In The Bakery" by Rukatofan.

First of all, it's not MLP fanfic, it's Digimon fanfic and a SEX one.

Second, it doesn't have Venusmon OR Lilithmon, so you can go away now.

Third, It's about the relationship of Rika Nonaka or "Ruki" as you weeaboos call her AND Takato. Who is Takato? Lex Luger gives thou an answer.

Okay, i did a google search and Takato is just a worthless expy of Tai. Why those-who-created-this-shit ALWAYS want to add Tai-expy for every season? That makes them look kinda bored.

And what comes to Rika, she's a bitch. Not Asuka-Bitch, but a real bitch. From looks she isn't bad, but in personality she's just a foolish emo.

Tell me if i'm wrong, i haven't watched Tamers even though D-Reaper is based on Angels from Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Anyways, let's start this shit:

Takato sighed as he slid the pan of bread into the oven and shut the door, wiping sweat off of his forehead with his arm. He spent every evening after the bakery was closed making the loaves and treats that he would sell the next day. 

A Male working on Bakery? Man Dat's Gay!

It was a lonely life, with his parents traveling the world and most of his friends away at college. But this was what he wanted to do with his life. Even at 20 years, he had everything he wanted.

Takato wants to do bread for his life? Man, he is more depressed than Shinji.

Everything except company. It was hard to think about sometimes, but the fact that he rarely saw any of his friends anymore was a little depressing. Add to that the fact that he was single, and had been all of his life. 

Who gives a shit if you have a wife? If you don't have wife, you can masturbate all day long!

"Sometimes, life sucks," he complained under his breath. He'd gotten used to talking to himself, so he didn't expect it when someone answered him.

Expect, if the room had someone in there, like, LA PARKA!

"Life always sucks," someone replied behind him.

SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET WIND-UP IN THE ASS!

He practically jumped out of his skin and whirled around to see who could possible be trespassing into his bakery after hours. Even though it had been at least five years, it didn't even take him a full second to recognize the young woman standing before him casually. "R-Rika!" he blurted.

"I ALWAYS RECOGNIZE YOU! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS COMPLAINED!", Takato added.

And it was Rika, too. She was taller now, taller than most girls, but it in no way made her look lanky or strange. Her figure had changed to be more voluptuous in its curves, though it was easy to see that she was super toned and athletic. 

Give me an image what she looks like so i can masturbate into it, i mean, nothing!

Takato could only stare with his mouth slightly open, admiring her perfect figure and perky breasts.

EW YOU NASTY!

He quickly tried to regain his control and looked up at her eyes as fast as he could.

Then he wished he hadn't. They were as icy as he always remembered, a perfect blend of violet and amethyst that swirled together as though the colors were always changing. He always got lost in those eyes, and it wasn't any different now. Why did she always do this to him?

Because YOU LOOKED AT HER FUCKING EYES!
DON'T LOOK AT HER EYES LOOK AT THE BREASTS
DON'T LOOK AT HER EYES LOOK AT THE BREASTS

DON'T LOOK AT HER EYES 

LOOK AT THE FACKIN' BREASTS

"Yes, yes, it's me," she shrugged,

IT'S ME IT'S ME IT'S DEE-OH-DOUBLE-GEE AND BY MY SIDE AS ALWAYS, JOSH "LOOK AT THE BREASTS" MATTHEWS AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION, OF ARE YOU SERIOUS

dropping a fairly large duffel bag on the floor with a thump. She was wearing a stylish Vogue shirt with strands of pearls and beads hanging around her neck. Her skinny jeans were tight enough to show her slender but shapely legs, but they more than emphasized the red ankle boots she wore on her feet. Somehow, despite all of her complaining and tomboyishness, she had become a picture of fashion.

What are you guys looking at? Are you expecting me to make a bad joke of that sentence or something? No? Good, because i didn't came up with anything.

"Look, I know this is really sudden and all, but can I stay in your house for a while? I'm in town for the next month or so, and I've got nowhere else to go. You were always a good friend to me so I thought…" he voice trailed off, and she stared at him expectantly.

Is Rika really that stupid? She has got sexy breasts and fabulous breasts, and she's an Anime Girl! Takato would rape her anytime!

Takato had to focus to snap out of his staring, and couldn't help noticing that Rika didn't even care that he'd been staring at her like that. Maybe she was used to it? "Of course you can stay here," he answered quickly. "It's just me, so it'll be nice to have some company for a while. What's going on? I thought you moved to Tokyo."

Doesn't EVERY Anime happen in Tokyo? Well, at least in every Digimon season...

"No, my Mother and Grandma moved to Tokyo. I only went because I was still living with them while I was growing up. I'm 20 now, you know." She rolled her eyes and found a chair in the kitchen, pulling it over and sitting down. "I'm just here job hunting, and I've got nowhere to stay and no money till I find work."

Looking for jorb? Well, we've got an empty Slot on Bluster's Barrelworx! Get over there and i'm sure you'll get a lot of WORK!

Takato nodded, then dusted flour off of himself and untied his apron, 

MALE WEARS AN APRON?????????!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I GUESS IT'S A PINK ONE TOO!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

letting it rest on the nearest counter space. "Come on, I'll show you where you can stay. I've got the place to myself for what may be the rest of my life, so I can easily set you up in one of the guest rooms. Sound alright? I'll even let you stay free until you get a job."

Why Rika doesn't believe that Takato obviously wants to molest her? I thought women think EVERY SINGLE MALE is a pervert, especially an APRON-WEARING ONE!

"You'd charge an old friend rent?" Rika asked, narrowing her eyes in what seemed like anger.

"What are you, Stupid?"

But Takato could remember her well enough to know when she was joking and when she was serious. He always had, and that hadn't changed over the years. Especially when she was the one he thought of the most.

"Don't worry," he teased back, letting a grin slide onto his face.

EW YOU NASTY

 "It'll only be a little bit. I'm not that greedy, but I will need some help with things like utilities. It gets more expensive with two people instead of one."

Rika thought about it, then nodded. "Fair," she said. "It's a deal. Show me that room."

The evening was getting late, and as Takato finished preparing everything for the store the next day, he focused on getting dinner ready for Rika and himself. It was weird and exciting that she was here, and he couldn't help feeling elated about it. Rika is here, staying in my house! He thought to himself with a smile. I used to fantasize about something like that. But now that it's actually happening, I don't even know how to act!

Just don't do anything. Why you stupid apron-wearing, Tai-copying, pie-eating, breast-stalking hairbrush can't get a REAL girlfriend? (See what i did there?)

His trail of thought was interrupted as Rika herself walked into the kitchen. She had taken off her shoes—a courtesy Takato had awkwardly asked her to do while living with him—and her footsteps were quiet along the wood floor. "Is that dinner?" she asked, staring at the rice and curry that Takato had been preparing for them.

Rice and Curry? Thank you for reminding me that they don't live in America...

I can obviously imagine Asuka in the place of Rika and Shinji in the place of Takato in this fanfic, it's obvious that Digimon Tamers is based on NGE, and not even Avery Petrie knows about it!

Only difference between the characters is that Shinji doesn't wear apron! He can cook, but come on!

 "Looks delicious. 

MOIST AND DELICIOUS! *congratulations for making your first tf2 reference Fortan, hope you don't make more*

I'm so hungry. Smelling that fresh bread baking was driving me crazy." She rubbed her stomach with her hand, making a face as it rumbled. Somehow it just made her look cute and sexy.

AND SEXY? RUMBLING FACE IS SEXY ACCORDING TO TAKATO??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, APRON-BOY?? BACK TO THE KITCHEN!

Takato chuckled out loud. "Oh, Rika," he said. He dished out two plates of curry and rice and walked out to the dining room, Rika trailing behind him. He set them down before chairs that sat across from each other, and went back into the kitchen 

THE END

for the rest of the utensils. When he came back, she was already seated, her mouth practically drooling.

"That's Sexy" Takato thought.

"Itadakemasu," she said quickly, clapping her hands together and bowing slightly. 

Do you japs really need to have those ridiculous food rituals, In the modern European Union, the maker of food just screams "Diner", eat and then say "Thank you."

She didn't wait for him to respond and instantly dug in, eating with a fury.

"That's Sexy" Takato thought.

"Wow, you really were hungry," he offered, and sat down. As they ate, he watched her with thoughtful eyes. How was it that she was back in town with no money and no job? Wouldn't it be super easy for her to find a modeling position? With her mother's influence in the profession it couldn't be that difficult. So why was she really here? He shook his had faintly at himself. Oh get over yourself. She wouldn't come back just for you.

I'd rather live in some other city in Japan than Tokyo. TOKYO IS FOR LOSERS, PEOPLE!

"So," she said, breaking into his thoughts once more. "You like taking over the bakery?"

"Yeah," he answered quickly. "I could do this all my life. It gets a little lonely sometimes, but it's not unbearable."

Yes it is...

He smiled genuinely. "It's nice to have company though. So what really brings you into town? You never do anything without a reason."

Rika's smile was a little wry, but she chuckled and slid her empty plate to the side so she could place her elbows on the table and rest her chin upon her hands.

"That's sexy" Takato thought.

"And you could always see through me," she replied. A sigh followed her words, and she paused a while before continuing. "The truth is, I can find work whenever I want. I have more agencies calling me than I care for, and when I feel like it, I'll pick one. But I just needed a break from the crazy schedules, the constant bickering and primping

Did she just said "pimping?"

primping

Oh thank you, for a while i thought the writer of this fanfic had changed the roles

and being told I need to lose weight…"

she rolled her eyes. "It's horrible. Do you know what they call you in the modeling industry? They nickname you after your worst fault, and that's all you ever hear. Hey 'big nose,' or hey 'surfboard,' or 'zit face.' 

Or 'bitch', but this is a kids fanfic! That's why it's rated M for Mini right????!!!!!???

It's horrible, and I'm sick of it." She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead.

Takato shook his head. "That is horrible," he agreed, somewhat angry about it. Why would those people take the most beautiful people on the planet, and basically torture them and force them to be perfect. And still, all they did was name them something that probably wasn't even a fault at all. "Faults aren't bad," he said scowling. "They're what makes a person unique and worth knowing and loving. If anything, those things that are called faults are the most precious part. Without them, you'd just look like everybody else."

Sooooo that's why you wear apron?


Rika stared at him, sort of surprised by his outburst, and then smiled at him. "That was sweet," she teased. "I kind of like seeing you get all upset like that. It's cute."

"aaaand sexy!" Takato added.

Takato's face blushed a little. Not because being called cute was annoying to a guy, but because Rika had said it in such a way. 

AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE...

It was almost seductive. He cleared his throat and stood up, grabbing their plates. "I'll just put these in the kitchen," he said, walking that way.

Rika chuckled out loud, following him. "You're so shy," she teased, poking his ribs and making him jump a little. 

I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT! THAT ISN'T A SIGN OF LOVE! THEY JUST DO THAT SO THEY COULD ANNOY YOU!

"But it's just one of the things I love about you."

...

He nearly dropped the plates, managing to get them into the seat without breaking. "Wait, what?" he blurted, turning to face her. "Did you just say you loved me?"

.......

She clasped her hands behind her back, making a face like she was thinking about it and swaying her hips from side to side. "Well, not in so many words," she taunted. "But yeah, I guess I do."

If there would be another thing i would hate about this fanfic, it would be that they use too much body language.

Takato felt his face flush red. Here was the girl that he'd thought about almost every day since he met her, the same girl that would probably kill him if he even hinted that he liked her, and she was telling him that she loved him. How was he supposed to respond to this? "R-Rika!" he managed to get her name out. "This doesn't really seem like you but…"

"JUST KIDDING!"

"But?" She asked, walking forward coyly. She stopped a foot away, leaning her face towards his. She'd gotten taller, probably more than most girls in Japan, but he was at least a head taller than her.

YOU VANILLA MIDGET!

"Truth is, Takato, I've loved you since you first came into my life and made me realize what friendship truly was. I loved you the second you treated Renamon a plush toy with respect instead of how I treated her. When you showed me courage in the face of danger, and common sense when I was being stubborn."

Somewhere there, Avery Petrie's childhood was ruined...

Takato felt himself leaning towards her as she spoke, feeling her breath on his face. He could hardly believe was he was hearing. "I loved you the first time I saw you, in my dream. I never thought you would ever love me back, though. I thought you'd kill me if I ever let on that I even liked you."

.....................

"The old me might have," she grinned, lifting her chin and staring into his chocolate colored eyes.

Chocolate? Ugh, that's not sexy.

"But now all I can think about is you. When I came back into town and heard that you were here, I didn't want to go anywhere else."

Also because Tokyo and Kanto are full of losers!

There were only inches left between them, and Takato felt a rush of desire fill him that he had no mind to ignore. He closed the distance between them with a passionate kiss, and Rika answered back forcefully. Her lips felt so soft and alluring, and though he didn't have much experience with kissing, it seemed to come so naturally to him.

........................................

His hands snaked around her waist, pulling her close to his body, and she raised hers to circle his neck. He paused a second to breathe and suddenly her tongue slipped into his mouth, her kiss exploding with passion. Her fingers gripped his hair, pulling him closer to her, and he felt himself growing warmer with each second.

..............................................................

Rika was good at this. Every moment was bliss, and the tension in his body that her kissing caused was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Still, the fact that she was the one French kissing made him feel competitive. Her personality was the type that wanted to be in control, but that didn't mean he was going to let her take the lead without a fight! Between breaths he forced his tongue past hers, exploring her mouth fully. It was like a battle that neither of them wanted to end, but for some reason Rika pulled away and stepped back.

Good, that was incredibly romantic ^_^

Breathless, Takato looked at her with new eyes, admiring her face and figure as he'd never felt the freedom to do before. He loved every inch of her, and despite his desire to treat women with respect, all he wanted was to see her naked.

AND THEN THE ROMANCE WAS RUSHED LIKE A GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE!

"Come on," she whispered, grinning and walking backwards. "I'd do you here, but I know you want to keep the kitchen clean."

WELL, AT LEAST SHE KNOWS THE COMMON SENSE AND DOESN'T TURN THIS SHIT INTO A PORN FANFIC

Takato felt himself blush red, and he coughed in surprise. "Rika!" he blurted.

Why the writer of this shit loves the word "blurted"? That sounds disgusting in my opinion!

"Oh come on," she rolled his eyes. "What are you, a virgin? 

I'M SURE DAT GUY'S STILL A VIRGIN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

We both know where this is going. You want it, don't you?" she moved closer to him, swaying her hips seductively. "And I want it too."

"That's Sex... oh wait. That really is sexy!

He couldn't believe what he was hearing, but he wasn't an idiot. Walking forward, he reached for her and grabbed her waist, pulling her against him and kissing her. "Course I want it," he whispered huskily. "It's just a little new to me." He kissed her mouth, her chin, her jaw line, and her neck. She sighed loudly with pleasure.

More childhood-ruinage! Let's see how this ends!

"Then let's go," she whispered back. Within seconds they were stumbling up the stairs towards Takato's bedroom, not breaking contact as they explored each other's mouths with their tongues. 

WILL YOU STOP IT?!

The door was left open, and they practically fell onto the bed. Rika moaned as his kisses migrated back to her neck. She wanted feel the skin of his chest against hers, and reached her hands down to tug his shirt upward. "Take it off," she ordered, pulling it over his head and tossing it on the floor. Her lips turned up in a smile as she studied his chest. "My, my, you've been working out!"

Oh god, Don't tell me he has a sixpack. If he does, that means he's a former Tamer with muscles and obsession with bakery.

Takato grinned, reaching his hands around her neck so that he could pull off her jewelry, and followed that by ripping off her shirt and admiring her red lacy bra. "It beats doing nothing every evening," 

Yes, and for my next parlor trick, I shan't make anything appear!

he replied. And it was true. He had been working out every day, toning his body and conditioning himself. "Cardiovascular Health is important, you know."

Now Takato is just being a Marty-Stu.

"Shut up," Rika growled, gripping his hair with her fingers.

He chuckled and responded by continuing to kiss her neck. His hands moved so that he could feel her breast, rubbing his fingers over her hard nibbles. 

She had THIS in her breasts? Wow!

She sighed in response, and he slipped a hand behind her to undo the clasp and pull the bra off. "Rika," he breathed, staring. "You're so beautiful…"

Yet you are so ugly you wear an apron...

"Course I'm beautiful," she joked. "I'm a model." She smiled at him as he took her breasts in his hands and began to massage them.

NIBBLA! *Chomp*

"Yessss," she moaned, arching her back. They weren't the largest breasts, but they were full and perky, and incredibly sensitive. "Suck on them," she ordered.

I CAN! I CAN! I CAN! I CA...oh sorry, i didn't see you guys were still here...

Takato moved his face down to do just that. Sucking on her right nipple, he lapped at it in a circular motion, flicking it occasionally with the tip of his tongue. With his other hand he massaged her left breast, rubbing his thumb against the hardened nipple at all the right moments. She breathed loudly, sexily, and clenched the hair at the back of his neck with his fingers.

You know i don't hate every sexfanfic, i loved the one with Shinji and Asuka, and i thought it was a good ending. BUT THIS ONE ISN'T!

Without thinking, Takato pulled his hand away and reached downward, unbuttoning her pants and trying to pull them off. He had to stop what he was doing so he could finish, yanking the skinny jeans off as though he hated them. Rika giggled as he tossed them onto the floor and turned back. "Skinny jeans are a little inconvenient," he said.

WATCH OUT! IT'S PORN TIME AGAIN!

She yanked him down on top of her without replying. Beginning where he left off, he began to suck at her other breast, and slowly trailed his fingers down her sculpted stomach. They reached her red lace underwear and traced the edge of them for a second, before he slipped his hand inside. As his fingers slowly ran along the edge of her moist entrance, a loud moan escaped her mouth. He smiled, biting gently against her nipple at the same moment that he stuck a finger inside her.
Slowly he eased it in and out, rubbing her clitoris with his thumb. She squirmed and moaned in pleasure, her hips bucking once as he increased his speed and stuck a second finger inside. Not long after, he slipped in a third and thrust into her with a steady pace, With his thumb he rubbed and massaged the sensitive nub of nerve endings, and he moved his face upward so he could kiss her mouth passionately.
"Takato!" she moaned, her voice muffled by his tongue in her mouth. Her back arched as the tension inside her built up like a volcano waiting to explode. She was so close… "Faster!" she gasped.
His arm was getting tired, but he smiled and thrust faster and deeper inside her, finding that spot that gave her the most pleasure. She gasped and moaned, bucking her hips with his movements until her body grew stiff and her walls tightened around Takato's hand. She threw her head backwards and arched her back, screaming out his name as she orgasmed violently. As she writhed on the bed in ecstasy, Takato pulled his hand out and licked his fingers, liking the taste. He ripped her panties off of her and spread her hips open, leaning his face downwards so he could lap up her juices with his tongue. She practically gripped his head with her legs, holding him in place and moaning with pleasure.
"Oooooh, yessss! T-Ta-kato! Mmmmm….." Her head tossed back and forth. By the time her orgasm died down, she already felt the tension returning to her body from the ministrations of his tongue on her vagina and clitoris. His tongue moved like magic inside her, thrusting, lapping, licking and sucking as her wet juices streamed into his mouth, and he hummed with pleasure as he drank it all up.
Within minutes, she felt another climax growing in her. She grabbed her own breasts with her hands, massaging them and groaning out his name. Bucking her hips against his face, she cried out and came into his ready mouth, enjoying every second as he licked her clean.
He pulled back and sat on the bed, watching her squirm with a lopsided grin on his face. "Oh Rika," he murmured. "You're so sexy…"
"T-T-Taka-to…" Rika stuttered back, turning her head and smiling at him with a glowing expression. "You're amazing…Mmmmm…"
He stood and pulled off his pants and boxers, revealing his large and erect penis, then sat back down beside her. "Yeah, I am," he teased. He took her hand and wrapped it around his member, sighing at her touch. He locked eyes with her and grinned. "My turn."

Okay, that's enough. But, this didn't end yet, because this fanfic has THREE MORE CHAPTERS!!
What the hell? The start was okay, but then it turned into a shitty rule 34-story.

They basically have sex for next 3 chapters, i'm too lazy to review them anyway.

But at least this story gave me a lot of running gags to use in the future!

Thank you for reading! Please Comment what fanfic i should review next!    

Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction Corner: T'Was the night

Okay, everyone loves Christmas! Expect Jews. Jenovah's witnesses, terrorists and Russians.

And christmas means caring, presents, possible burnouts and fall of your economy! Also, Christmas also means incredibly lame Christmas specials, and also, Christmas fanfics, you know, the ones that make even "Pac-Man, video game character who saved Christmas" look good.

And for christmas, i am going to review another fanfiction that ironically features my favourite series ever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Christmas Special also known as T'was the night

Hey everyone. I this is just an idea i had rolling around in my head. I'm working on my other story as well so no worries. Now i hope you enjoy the product of my hyperactive mind!

T'was the night

The theater was alive with the sounds of a full house. Happy murmurs were echoing throughout the halls as people took their seats for the main show. It wasn't every day that the cast of the enormously popular and forever well-loved show Neon Genesis Evangelion broke the fourth wall for a Christmas special. Tickets sold out instantly as fans sat patiently to hear their favorite cast members sing their choice of holiday hits.  

....WAIT WHAT???

Evangelion gang singing Christmas hits??? Who came up with this? I know this is fake, but... it's still ridiculous...

I would only buy the CD if it features Nicholas Cage, Lemmy from Motörhead, Paul Whitehouse and Gary Oldman as Pontius Pilate!

The only thing that could satisfy the fans even more is if Rebuild of Evangelion 3.0: You Can (Not) Redo found its way to torrent sites faster. But at alas, one miracle at a time.

 Nah, i haven't found any torrents for 2.0 either.

"Places people! 5 minutes to show time!" the lovely and talented Misato Katsuragi shouted as people of NERV scrambled and forth in a mad dash to get the sets ready for each individual song. When she was certain no one was listening, Misato let out a very tired sigh. "Making this event possible is even worse than filing the damage reports of angel attacks" she pouted.

So this takes place in an Alternate dimension where Evangelion was a tv show but also a REAL THING???
So that means it's like Conan O'Brien with plot! Oh my god i need to take a christmas whisky!

"What, tired already? But the night is just beginning Katsuragi" A cool and confident voiced teased her. She whirled around, her hand already poised to attack Kaji but to her surprise her hand made contact with First Lieutenant Makoto Hyuga's face, knocking his glass clean off as he spiraled to the ground.

Stop attacking people, Katsuragi!

Misato pulled at the ends of her hair while shouting "You're not KAJI! I'm so so sorry!" Kaji chuckled next to her, clearly enjoying the sight of a distress Misato. Misato keen ears pick up on his chuckle and like a smart bomb,

BI-BI-BI-BIG IRONY-ONY BOMB-OMB-OMB

her hand connects to his face cleanly. "Well that stung a bit" Kaji cheerfully replies as he attempts to cover up the tears in his eyes. Misato's cheeks puff in anger as she begins to scold Kaji "What are you doing here? You are not even allowed to be in the building!" Kaji flashed as smile as he held up a card that said NERV approved. "Gendo gave me the okay so I can help you"

Oh god, Why? Why those people have fallen into THIS?

It's like gathering HomeStuck characters to sing religional songs with Puppet Jimmy Carter, La Parka and Gabe Newell!

"You can help me by leaving me alone!" Misato shouted as she helped Hyuga to his feet. "Sorry about that Makoto" She tells him sheepishly. Hyuga simply blushes before nervously laughing "No problem Major, no problem at all" He stares dreamily into her eyes, imagining a long passionate kiss that would make the collected Ryoji Kaji fume in jealousy.

So Third Impact turned Evangelion Characters into a gang of B-List Celebrities??? Just like what happened with A-Team, Muppets and Married With Children?? Expect this time, they are in their roles BOTH in real life and in TV??? Now i know how WWE Wrestlers feel...

"Hyuga! Are you listening!?" His mind snaps back to attention "No ma'am! I'm sorry I thought I saw…" "Can it, we don't have time. Do you have the information I need?" Hyuga nods quickly, handing her the list. "That's the order of people singing tonight. While most wrote down the song they are going to sing, we have yet to get one from Mr. Ikari, Miss Sohryu and Miss Ayanami"

Did "Sans", "Samas" and "Kuns" went out of model?


Misato slapped her forehead in annoyance "I want the whole team to make them have a song ready for me! Especially since Rei's first!" Hyuga nodded eagerly as Misato went off to dress. Try getting that image out of your head.

Yes, Fanservice would save this utter piece of shit story.

Shinji Ikari sighed. Then he thought about which song to sing….and sighed some more. 

HOW ABOUT...CHARLIE BROWN'S CHRISTMAS GALLEON EHAHUHAHEHAHUHAH

l4me like rocketboy always says...

When he supported this idea for a special as a thank you for all their fans,

Me. Asuka. Mari. Rei. Maybe Kaworu. One Room. No Rules. Ten Condoms. Thank You. You're Welcome.

he had no idea that meant he would automatically sign up to sing in it. He did not believe there was any girl who wanted to hear him sing…actually he didn't think anyone wanted to see him in general.

Well, nobody wants to see you...singing.

Shinji scratched the back of his hand nervously. He was hoping to use this as a chance to show Asuka how he felt. The confident, beautiful Asuka Langley Sohryu. 

Oh come on Shinji, just turn gay. If a Big time loser like Avery Petrie could do it, you can do it too because you're a... big time loser!

He loved her since he first locked eyes with her (though many may think when she flashed him is when he fell for her but he wasn't that kind of guy). But now he had no idea what to sing. Which Christmas song do you sing to tell someone you love them?

All i want for Christmas is you? Ever heard of that? Or just show her "Jesus H. Christ in China with Gary Oldman as Pontius Pilate!"

Shinji rose to his feet and walked over to his good friend Toji, who was currently checking himself out in the mirror. "Oh yeah, I look good" he muttered as he flexed for the mirror. Shinji was amazed it didn't crack.

Shinji had a friend named Toji? Well, for a while at least...

"Toji" Shinji called but Toji paid no noticed to him. "Oh yeah, all the ladies are gonna love ya" Toji said with a grin. "TOJI! I need your help" Toji frowned before turning to his friend. "Why'd ya interrupted me Shinji? I need to practice when I strut on stage for the ladies" Shinji looked in disbelief at his friend "but…you're wearing your track suit? You think the ladies will love you….in a track suit?"Toji smiled smugly "All for the fans. Isn't that why you're wearing your school uniform?"

Well, at least in Japan. But every anime has always DIFFERENT school uniform and british uniform's don't attract ANYONE! That's why Jasper and Lucy don't have different gender interests.

Shinji peered down. Actually he wasn't sure how to dress for these events and went with something familiar. "It's still better than a track suit" Shinji shot back. "Dude, ya need some style. I make this look good" Toji said with a deluded tone.

YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING SINGING! BEST WAY TO GET LADIES IS NOT TO SING OKAY??? AND WHERE THE FUCK IS KAWORU??? HE WOULD'VE ENDED THIS ME...cough, sorry, some of these fanfics just don't make sense...

Shinji resisted rolling his eyes. Right now he needed Toji's advice. He could ridicule his track suit later.

Also, why would someone wear track suit in Christmas??? I know Christmas has snow and snow is cold, but come on! This isn't the anniversary of hiking! Just wear sexy body suit or something! That's the trademark of the whole fucking series!

"Toji…I want to tell Asuka how I feel but I don't know which song would get my point across best. I mean I can't just tell her I dedicated a song to her! She'd laugh at me! But if I don't make it obvious enough she won't get the hint! Toji, what do I do?!"'

Just say, "This song has been dedicated for person i love, who passed away twice" That would get some sympathy!

Silence.
"Toji?" Shinji asked uncertainly. Toji just flexed some more and smiled at his reflection. Shinji bit his lip as he punched Toji in his shoulder. "OWW! What was that for!?" Toji rubbed his shoulder as Shinji "SONG. I need your help!" Toji looked thoughtful for a moment and Shinji was beginning to hope that his friend was going to make up for his earlier neglect.

"Dude I dunno"

IT'S VERDANT VLAD!!

Shinji let out a frustrated cry

IT'S SLUTTY BITCH AVERY PETRIE! I KNEW IT! THERE WAS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO! Expect Shinji can be nice.

The chattering of the fans came to a stop when the lights dimmed. There was a single spotlight shone on the middle of the stage as a click, clack sound of heels began to get louder and louder.

I guess only legacy this show would get is the "Super-Terrific Japanese Thing" article on Topless Robot.

Suddenly Misato appeared, wearing a strapless black dress that stopped just above her knee and shined against the lone spotlight. She wore light red lipstick and black heels that seemed to allow her to glide rather than walk. "Hello Fans!" She shouted into a microphone. At once she was met with wolf whistles and loud cheers. She shot a suggestive wink into the crowd and the theater just exploded. "Now, now settle down" She giggled, slowly the cheering died down.

It died because the show became awkward before it even started. Fuck it, put some Nicholas Cage in to sing "Merry Jollies to Everyone and NOT THE BEEEEEES!!"

"Now I am Misato Katsuragi" A loud cheer went up again "As you all know and I would like to welcome you to our showcase. This is just our way of saying thanks! Now before we get the ball rolling, I believe Mr. Gendo Ikari has a few words for you!"

The audience began clapping and cheering as Gendo calmly walked onto the stage in his usual commander outfit, hands clasped behind his back as he made his way to Misato. She handed him the microphone and took a step back as he turned to address the crowd, who were cheering their heads off. "Silence" Gendo spoke into the microphone and suddenly as if someone turned off the sound in the whole world.

Then, Gendo put his hand on his face and suddenly ripped his face off, and there was another face. Fans were astonished, instead of Gendo Ikari, there was now...

IT'S ME AUSTIN! "Oh you son of a-*gunshot" IT WAS ME, ALL ALONG AUSTIN.

But sadly that didn't happen, so let's go on.

Gendo paused, gathering the words he wished to present to his loyal, loving fans. Fans edge closer, each coming up with an idea of what the great and almighty Gendo Ikari's speech would be.

Silence rolled into seconds before Gendo finally said "Enjoy" and handed Misato the microphone as he walked pass. Misato's stunned face was nothing compared to the audiences. "Maybe…that was the wrong thing to say" she thought. As once the crowd cheered louder than what they had for Misato, which irked her a little. "Ungrateful little" She thought as she went on with her dialogue "Thank you Commander Ikari! Now let's get this show started with Rei Ayanami singing…er… a song!" Misato made her way off stage as the curtains rose, showing a sight that stunned the most devote Evangelion fan into silence.

Thankfully we won't see more, because this fanfic ended. Really!

IT WAS JOKE AUSTIN!