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Monday, January 21, 2013

Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction Corner: Crash Bandicoot Vengeance

Crash Bandicoot is rumoured to come back anyday after that Vicarious Visions picture, so, why not make a Crash-related Triple-F? I got tired of My Immortal, so let's review a bad Crash fanfic!

As you know, Crash games are awesome, but the character isn't in "that way". So any attempt of trying to turn our retarded Bandicoot into a mature story will fail.
That includes the tries of turning Crash into a Duke Nukem-copy. Those things seriously scare me.
So for today, we are going to review Crash Bandicoot: Vengeance!!! You know the one where Cortex rapes Coco and...
what?
WHAT?
Revenge
Deep within Dr. Neo Cortex's lair, the mad scientist paced the floor thinking of a new way to dispose of his arch nemesis, Crash Bandicoot
"That's It! I've had it with Crash Bandicoot always ruining my plans" Cortex yelled,
drawing the attention of the demonic mask Uka Uka.
That's the circle, what would that look like if there would a game where villains wins? (Homestuck doesn't count. That thing doesn't even have a real plot on it)
"Cortex! What's with all the yelling, I'm trying to get my beauty sleep!" Uka yelled, irritated.
Uka Uka  used to be cool villain until those Traveller's Tales guys fucked up his personality and turned him into a bad boss. Although he looks pretty badass in Radical's games, haters gonna hate.
"I'm trying to think of a new way to destroy that wretched Bandicoot, it seems that no matter what, I always fall short." Cortex lamented.
"What's with your voice, you sound like that baby from Family Guy" Uka noticed.
He said Family Guy, Okay i can stop reading now.

Or hell, i've seen much worse.
"We'll discuss that later, but right now I must find a way to destroy that wretched bandicoot." Cortex said
Cortex's assistant Dr. Nitrus Brio entered the Laboratory at that moment with his creation Ripper Roo, who hadn't been seen in years.
Because his second run in Therapy didn't turn out as good as we hoped.
"Cortex, great news, after years of extensive shock therapy I present to you, the psychiatric expert formerly known as Ripper Roo, Dr. Roo, who I invented!" introduced.
At least the writer used Mind Over Mutant Brio, he's a great character but very underrated because Radicalz scuks!!111
"N. Brio, not now I'm trying to figure out a way to defeat that wretched Crash Bandicoot" Cortex yelled.
Cortex really likes to use wretched, eh?
"Cortex, don't you understand? With his new high level of intelligence, Dr. Roo can be very useful in helping us defeat Bandicoot." Brio pointed out.
Yeah, right... Was Brio blind when Cortex Strikes Back happened? Oh wait, he had fetish for Gems now i remember.
"That is correct, Doctor. For years you have tried to defeat Crash with brute force, however have you ever tried defeating Bandicoot psychologically?" Ripper Roo said, his once insane, maniacal voice was now smooth, classy, and British.
Well, it's hard to tell what he sounds like because all the "talk" Roo ever said was just maniac laughter by late Dallas McKennon.
"Why yes, yes. I've got it, I'll destroy Cortex mentally to the point he'll never recover leaving me able to enslave the Earth." Cortex laughed evilly.
He's trying to destroy himself now? I guess Cortex has the brain of Homestar now.
WELL I AM THE EXACT SAME!
"Quite simple, we kill one thing he loves more than ever" Cortex replied.
"But who will that be?" asked Uka Uka.
Cortex stopped to think for a moment.
"Hmm, that is a challenge. Crunch is partly cybernetic meaning he's practically invincible. 
But you created him!
His fiancé Tawna dated mafia don Pinstripe Potoroo until he was killed in a drive by and hasn't been seen or heard since.
Pinsy is dead! Why can't you kill Tawna, she was hot!
Aku Aku is Uka Uka's twin brother so he's immortal leaving… of course! Crash's younger sister CoCo.
You know this will turn out to be a cheap porn when certain characters name is misspelled.
By God, I'm a genius.
BAW GAWD.
Get ready Crash Bandicoot because I will have my vengeance!" Cortex yelled before laughing evilly.
That would make a good game name...
sadly this is not a game...
It was a normal day on Wumpa beach. Team Bandicoot were relaxing after stopping N. Tropy from changing time to make himself ruler of the universe.
Didn't he tried to do that like... twice?
Crash was sleeping, CoCo was inventing, and Crunch was weight lifting.
Coco was inventing what? Also it's "lifting weight!"
Suddenly they heard something marching towards the hut. Crash, CoCo, Crunch, and Aku Aku went to investigate. Outside were hundreds of Cortex's lab assistant androids.
"Man, and we had to clean!" Crunch whimpered.
"Objective, destroy all Bandicoots" The androids said.
Translated to English: NYEAAAAARGH!
"Ugh, another of Cortex's army. Let's get this over with so I can get back to sleep" Crash said.
Translated to Engli... oh wait, Crash can't speak a proper language. Unless it's Pancakes.
"Crash, has your voice got deeper" CoCo asked.
STOP TRYING TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY, WRITER!
"Yeah, I think it was all that smoke I inhaled when I fought inside that volcano." Crash said.
I imagined that sentence with Troy McLure's voice.
"Crash! HELP!"
It was CoCo.
"Crash, CoCo's been kidnapped by Cortex's androids" Crunch informed him.
"Are you bad enough bandicoot to rescue CoCo?"
"Ugh, what the fuck?! Can't Cortex use something else as bait for once, a big, juicy Wumpa fruit pie maybe." Crash complained.
Not only that he speaks, but Crash also curses! Is this the same universe where Crash Bandicoot Retold happened???
"You go save CoCo, me and Crunch'll take care of Cortex's robots." Aku assured Crash.
Ugh, it's "i". Aaargh! Just what i needed! A Porn fanfic written by a foreigner!
After 10 minutes of running, Crash caught up to Cortex, standing atop a mountain top.
"Well, if it isn't Crash Bandicoot" Cortex said, reciting his trademark catchphrase.
Ironically i never heard him say that.
"Cortex, I don't have time for this. Return CoCo, unveil your death trap, let me kick you ass and go home."
Oh, now i get it! He's just bored! Because he hasn't starred in any game since 2009!
"Sorry, Bandicoot but things are going down a little bit differently" Cortex said.
"No, I'm pretty sure I'll beat you and walk out of here alive and well." Crash argued.
Oh god, if Crash is bored, Mario is dying already!
"You might, but can the same be said for your sister" Cortex retorted as he revealed a bound and gagged CoCo. He grabbed her by her throat and held a knife to her neck. 
Knife? That's new!
Crash leaped, but two of Cortex's androids held him back. Crash was shocked that Cortex had sunk so low.
"Cortex, don't, she's only 15! Please, I'll do anything!" Crash begged.
Now you even decide ages of the characters? Ugh!

Also, around the time of MOM, i can guess from her looks she was 22.
"Still a virgin, that's surprising,
Oh god! I can SOOOOO imagine Lex Lang saying that!
I thought a pretty little bandicoot such as your sister would have plenty of partners!" exclaimed Cortex as CoCo struggled, managing to undo her gag.
You don't know how many fan characters there exist???

Seriously, i'm a huge Crash fan but i dislike fan characters unless they're enough Bandicoot-ish. I remember i once created Fake Coco and some other stuff. You know, typical crap...
Crash gritted his teeth in rage hearing Cortex talk about his sister like that. Then Cortex did what Crash never thought Cortex would do. He pulled down CoCo's pants and broke CoCo's barrier, CoCo yelped in pain, yet Cortex paid no attention.
At this point... my childhood died, again.
"Stop! Please, I beg you." Cried CoCo, in tears, she couldn't believe that this was happening.
"Stop! Stop! Sto-op!" CoCo continued to cry.
"You are tight, this pleases me!" cried Cortex.
Oh god, i can imagine that in Lex Lang's voice too!
Coco suddenly went limp, she didn't know why. She wanted to fight back with all her might, but she could bring herself to do it. She just laid there and let Cortex take her innocence, her pride, and her will to live. Meanwhile, Cortex continued to insert himself, in and out of CoCo. Cortex didn't care if CoCo didn't move. He just continued to rape CoCo
And now we have to interrupt this review for notification by independent music maker GigaSurfer, if you please.

Dear Citizens,

Rape Jokes aren't funny.

AND DOWNLOAD MY SONGS DAMMIT!


And that was GigaSurfer's notification, back to the review.
Suddenly, CoCo felt Cortex climaxing inside, yet continued to just lie there. Her spirit was broken , and she no longer cared.
What a cruel way to describe the truth!
That my childhood is dead!
"Unnghn!" grunted Cortex as he finished delivering his seed into the young female bandicoot.
Not only that Cortex raped Coco, he just made himself a zoophile and a furfag. Baaad, baaad Cortex.

Crash just watched, tears streaming down his face. Finally, using all his strength he broke the robots' grip and destroyed them using his spin attack. As he ran towards the cliff Cortex stabbed CoCo and threw her off the side of the cliff. Crash ran and dove, managing to catch her just in time.  
The knife was still in her chest. She was coughing up blood and in critical condition.
"C-Crash" Coco said, slowing dying.
"CoCo, it's all gonna be okay" Crash said as he carefully as he scooped CoCo in his arms and ran as fast as he could.
The young female bandicoot closed her eyes as she breathed her last breath and died.

That... was... depressing...

Oh my god... why did i do this? My childhood wasn't raped by porn, it was raped by... rape

This, is worse than Crash Bandicoot Retold! Whoever wrote this is mentally crazy! I just...AAAGH!
Why didn't i stayed in My Immortal? This fanfic is officially worse than My Immortal in my opinion! Coco lost the meaning of life... when she was raped by one of my favourite villains. AAAAGH! There's also six other chapters. But i'm too horrified to read 'em.