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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction Corner: My Immortal Part 2

Ugh, here we go! More bad fanficness! Appareantly This fanfic is so bad and it's new week anyway, so i decide to not insults personally anyone anymore, expect the writer of this of course.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache 

So people swear when they have a headache??? What about you??? You seem to have a headache all the time. Also now i know why Dumbledore's actor died.

ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

They also do drugs, are obviously satanists and Enoby is having very strong despression going on.

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

MOVE BITCH, GET OUT DA WAY! Don't tell me they ran over a grandma too!

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.

Vampires don't cry holy shit. This is even worse than Twilight.

Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

Well, they are always angry! I'm suprised that Snake didn't kill Dumbledore. (NOTE: I know you will say BUT SNAKE KILLED DUMBLEDORE, but remember that those last three books never existed in my world!)


"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.
"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

Shouldn't Snake say that?


"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

Shouldn't McGonagall say that?


And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Shouldn't Leonardo DiCaprio say that?

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Nobody says like that! Oh come on, you should be fired!


Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.
"Yeah I guess." I lied. 

You LIED??? How could you!

I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

There was a robot at the door.

DO WE HAVE POPSTICLES TONIGHT!???

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.


JUST A CITY BOYYYYYY...oops wrong song.


I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there.
We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. 

No dirty sex scene? What kind of shit is this? I'm confused!

Well, moving on to Chapter... six?

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

Why in the hell he can't write as properly as he does in the fanfic itself? I know it's not good either, but at least it's better than this!


The next day I woke up in my coffin. 

Really?

I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

Nobody honestly gives a shit what you wear!

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.

REALLY?

Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

Hahahaha you deserve it!


"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. 

So he met Sweeney Todd?


He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

Oh no... don't tell me that's...


He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. 

Like thi... oh you said Joel Madden and not Joel Deaton.

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko

What do you mean Girls can't get erection? I've seen many fanfics where girl gets erection, and those are realistic compared to THIS!

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.


Ugh, not again these shy faggots again!


"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.
"My name's Harry Potter LORD HARRY although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

Yo...you....did just...um....rrrrrr...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! YOU FUCKED UP HARRY POTTER! YOU BASTARD! ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE!


"Why?" I exclaimed.
"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.


"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.
"Really?" he whimpered.
"Yeah." I roared.
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Ugh, i can guess Enoby turns into slut and dates both Harry and Draco and it turns out to be a Donald Duck-Gladstone Gadner-like fight expect with more porn and preps.

*sigh* Moving on...

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.

"Thy want to see how does this unholy mess ends, so i post five positive commandments for lulz"
 n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! 

AKA League Of Legends Kids in a nutshell. My brother is one of them. Cry for my family.

Evony 

She's Evony now.

isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS!

Nobody's perfect! Not even Satanists! At least we learn that!

 n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

Well we do see that.


Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

Yes, the whole story seems like a huge Mary Sue for me.

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.

I thought you loved Draco! Damn it!


Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

SEX!


We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. 

I guessed right.

(c is dat stupid?) 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING IN THIS STORY IS FUCKING STUPID!!! HARRY IS SUDDENLY EDWARD CULLEN, HUMAN THINGS EXIST IN WIZARD WORD! EVONY CHANGES HER NAME ALL THE TIME AND EVERYONE HAVE SEX RANDOMLY!

This fails at even being lemonfic, Jesus!

I fail at many things, but i never fail so much i could do fanfic worse than THIS PIECE OF SHIT!

Suddenly, i started to appreciate Avery Petrie's work, a lot!

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

DRACO! YOU'RE A VAMPIRE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!

I was so angry.
"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

Wha-?


I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. 

Hilarity Ensues.

He had a really big you-know-what

He's got bigger, and he's plenty times cuter anyway. (Image by

*darkly1)

but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

Shhh... his mother is dead.


AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

You can't judge people's style. If they flass your fanfic let them flass.

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.
"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

"I'm just a fan of it!"


My friend B'loody Mary Smith

Ugh, these names get stupider and stupider.


smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.

Ewwww, gross.

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.

Aaagh, don't tell me B'Loody Mary Smith is Hermione. Well, i hated that stupid wiseass bitch anyway... Her actor isn't even that hot!


Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.

Where did that Voldemort came from? It's Vlodemrot in this fanfic!

She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. 


OH NO! WHAT AN EVIL SURNAME!

(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

So everyone who are satanists are in Slytherin? That's racist!

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

Shouldn't McGonagall say that?

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??? THEY BECAME GAY!???

Everyone gasped.

Everyone are Anti-fags from now on.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)

Excuse me, Who is talking right now??

 for a while but then he broke my heart.


Because he was Lord Harry.

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

But... they're gay! What the heck?

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility 

You used to be a man?

to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. 

Ugh, i can't believe i've survived from this story, but the worst is coming...

Chapter 9.
AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! 

???

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

It's not Harry or Vampire, it's LORD HARRY! Biggest shame on this earth since this story.

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Ugh.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic.

Who it was? The Guy, Mascot of Disturbed?

It was… Voldemort!

Well, of cour... what? Voldemort has a broom? HAHAHAHAHAH OH GOD THIS GIRL FAILS AGAIN!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.
"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. 

Oh my... oh... it's too hard to imagine that, this is just too funny.

I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

Ugh.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

NO SHIT THEY SAID IT

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun.

WHAT?!

"No! Please!" I begged.

"BUT THOU MUST!"

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"
"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way

 "I SAW YOU TWO HAVING SEX IN THE WOODS"




Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis."

Oh god...

he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

This is just... painful

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.
"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Let's have sex!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"No." he answered.
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.
"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

What? A lot of random shit happens and nobody does anything? This is ridiculous!

Well, see you next time with this horrible abomination!