Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction: Love In The Bakery!

it's time for DUN-DUN-DUN Triple-F of death, Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction Corner!
I've also realized why people don't read this, it's because this is an obvious rip-off of Topless Robot's "Bad Fanfic Friday". Although, i love those guys and i try NOT to copy them.

Also, before we continue, i would like to thank each and everyone for giving this blog over 1000 VIEWS! I hope this shit gets famous before i quit one day!

Anyways, Let's start our review of next bad fanfic called "Love In The Bakery" by Rukatofan.

First of all, it's not MLP fanfic, it's Digimon fanfic and a SEX one.

Second, it doesn't have Venusmon OR Lilithmon, so you can go away now.

Third, It's about the relationship of Rika Nonaka or "Ruki" as you weeaboos call her AND Takato. Who is Takato? Lex Luger gives thou an answer.

Okay, i did a google search and Takato is just a worthless expy of Tai. Why those-who-created-this-shit ALWAYS want to add Tai-expy for every season? That makes them look kinda bored.

And what comes to Rika, she's a bitch. Not Asuka-Bitch, but a real bitch. From looks she isn't bad, but in personality she's just a foolish emo.

Tell me if i'm wrong, i haven't watched Tamers even though D-Reaper is based on Angels from Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Anyways, let's start this shit:

Takato sighed as he slid the pan of bread into the oven and shut the door, wiping sweat off of his forehead with his arm. He spent every evening after the bakery was closed making the loaves and treats that he would sell the next day. 

A Male working on Bakery? Man Dat's Gay!

It was a lonely life, with his parents traveling the world and most of his friends away at college. But this was what he wanted to do with his life. Even at 20 years, he had everything he wanted.

Takato wants to do bread for his life? Man, he is more depressed than Shinji.

Everything except company. It was hard to think about sometimes, but the fact that he rarely saw any of his friends anymore was a little depressing. Add to that the fact that he was single, and had been all of his life. 

Who gives a shit if you have a wife? If you don't have wife, you can masturbate all day long!

"Sometimes, life sucks," he complained under his breath. He'd gotten used to talking to himself, so he didn't expect it when someone answered him.

Expect, if the room had someone in there, like, LA PARKA!

"Life always sucks," someone replied behind him.

SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET WIND-UP IN THE ASS!

He practically jumped out of his skin and whirled around to see who could possible be trespassing into his bakery after hours. Even though it had been at least five years, it didn't even take him a full second to recognize the young woman standing before him casually. "R-Rika!" he blurted.

"I ALWAYS RECOGNIZE YOU! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS COMPLAINED!", Takato added.

And it was Rika, too. She was taller now, taller than most girls, but it in no way made her look lanky or strange. Her figure had changed to be more voluptuous in its curves, though it was easy to see that she was super toned and athletic. 

Give me an image what she looks like so i can masturbate into it, i mean, nothing!

Takato could only stare with his mouth slightly open, admiring her perfect figure and perky breasts.

EW YOU NASTY!

He quickly tried to regain his control and looked up at her eyes as fast as he could.

Then he wished he hadn't. They were as icy as he always remembered, a perfect blend of violet and amethyst that swirled together as though the colors were always changing. He always got lost in those eyes, and it wasn't any different now. Why did she always do this to him?

Because YOU LOOKED AT HER FUCKING EYES!
DON'T LOOK AT HER EYES LOOK AT THE BREASTS
DON'T LOOK AT HER EYES LOOK AT THE BREASTS

DON'T LOOK AT HER EYES 

LOOK AT THE FACKIN' BREASTS

"Yes, yes, it's me," she shrugged,

IT'S ME IT'S ME IT'S DEE-OH-DOUBLE-GEE AND BY MY SIDE AS ALWAYS, JOSH "LOOK AT THE BREASTS" MATTHEWS AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION, OF ARE YOU SERIOUS

dropping a fairly large duffel bag on the floor with a thump. She was wearing a stylish Vogue shirt with strands of pearls and beads hanging around her neck. Her skinny jeans were tight enough to show her slender but shapely legs, but they more than emphasized the red ankle boots she wore on her feet. Somehow, despite all of her complaining and tomboyishness, she had become a picture of fashion.

What are you guys looking at? Are you expecting me to make a bad joke of that sentence or something? No? Good, because i didn't came up with anything.

"Look, I know this is really sudden and all, but can I stay in your house for a while? I'm in town for the next month or so, and I've got nowhere else to go. You were always a good friend to me so I thought…" he voice trailed off, and she stared at him expectantly.

Is Rika really that stupid? She has got sexy breasts and fabulous breasts, and she's an Anime Girl! Takato would rape her anytime!

Takato had to focus to snap out of his staring, and couldn't help noticing that Rika didn't even care that he'd been staring at her like that. Maybe she was used to it? "Of course you can stay here," he answered quickly. "It's just me, so it'll be nice to have some company for a while. What's going on? I thought you moved to Tokyo."

Doesn't EVERY Anime happen in Tokyo? Well, at least in every Digimon season...

"No, my Mother and Grandma moved to Tokyo. I only went because I was still living with them while I was growing up. I'm 20 now, you know." She rolled her eyes and found a chair in the kitchen, pulling it over and sitting down. "I'm just here job hunting, and I've got nowhere to stay and no money till I find work."

Looking for jorb? Well, we've got an empty Slot on Bluster's Barrelworx! Get over there and i'm sure you'll get a lot of WORK!

Takato nodded, then dusted flour off of himself and untied his apron, 

MALE WEARS AN APRON?????????!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I GUESS IT'S A PINK ONE TOO!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

letting it rest on the nearest counter space. "Come on, I'll show you where you can stay. I've got the place to myself for what may be the rest of my life, so I can easily set you up in one of the guest rooms. Sound alright? I'll even let you stay free until you get a job."

Why Rika doesn't believe that Takato obviously wants to molest her? I thought women think EVERY SINGLE MALE is a pervert, especially an APRON-WEARING ONE!

"You'd charge an old friend rent?" Rika asked, narrowing her eyes in what seemed like anger.

"What are you, Stupid?"

But Takato could remember her well enough to know when she was joking and when she was serious. He always had, and that hadn't changed over the years. Especially when she was the one he thought of the most.

"Don't worry," he teased back, letting a grin slide onto his face.

EW YOU NASTY

 "It'll only be a little bit. I'm not that greedy, but I will need some help with things like utilities. It gets more expensive with two people instead of one."

Rika thought about it, then nodded. "Fair," she said. "It's a deal. Show me that room."

The evening was getting late, and as Takato finished preparing everything for the store the next day, he focused on getting dinner ready for Rika and himself. It was weird and exciting that she was here, and he couldn't help feeling elated about it. Rika is here, staying in my house! He thought to himself with a smile. I used to fantasize about something like that. But now that it's actually happening, I don't even know how to act!

Just don't do anything. Why you stupid apron-wearing, Tai-copying, pie-eating, breast-stalking hairbrush can't get a REAL girlfriend? (See what i did there?)

His trail of thought was interrupted as Rika herself walked into the kitchen. She had taken off her shoes—a courtesy Takato had awkwardly asked her to do while living with him—and her footsteps were quiet along the wood floor. "Is that dinner?" she asked, staring at the rice and curry that Takato had been preparing for them.

Rice and Curry? Thank you for reminding me that they don't live in America...

I can obviously imagine Asuka in the place of Rika and Shinji in the place of Takato in this fanfic, it's obvious that Digimon Tamers is based on NGE, and not even Avery Petrie knows about it!

Only difference between the characters is that Shinji doesn't wear apron! He can cook, but come on!

 "Looks delicious. 

MOIST AND DELICIOUS! *congratulations for making your first tf2 reference Fortan, hope you don't make more*

I'm so hungry. Smelling that fresh bread baking was driving me crazy." She rubbed her stomach with her hand, making a face as it rumbled. Somehow it just made her look cute and sexy.

AND SEXY? RUMBLING FACE IS SEXY ACCORDING TO TAKATO??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, APRON-BOY?? BACK TO THE KITCHEN!

Takato chuckled out loud. "Oh, Rika," he said. He dished out two plates of curry and rice and walked out to the dining room, Rika trailing behind him. He set them down before chairs that sat across from each other, and went back into the kitchen 

THE END

for the rest of the utensils. When he came back, she was already seated, her mouth practically drooling.

"That's Sexy" Takato thought.

"Itadakemasu," she said quickly, clapping her hands together and bowing slightly. 

Do you japs really need to have those ridiculous food rituals, In the modern European Union, the maker of food just screams "Diner", eat and then say "Thank you."

She didn't wait for him to respond and instantly dug in, eating with a fury.

"That's Sexy" Takato thought.

"Wow, you really were hungry," he offered, and sat down. As they ate, he watched her with thoughtful eyes. How was it that she was back in town with no money and no job? Wouldn't it be super easy for her to find a modeling position? With her mother's influence in the profession it couldn't be that difficult. So why was she really here? He shook his had faintly at himself. Oh get over yourself. She wouldn't come back just for you.

I'd rather live in some other city in Japan than Tokyo. TOKYO IS FOR LOSERS, PEOPLE!

"So," she said, breaking into his thoughts once more. "You like taking over the bakery?"

"Yeah," he answered quickly. "I could do this all my life. It gets a little lonely sometimes, but it's not unbearable."

Yes it is...

He smiled genuinely. "It's nice to have company though. So what really brings you into town? You never do anything without a reason."

Rika's smile was a little wry, but she chuckled and slid her empty plate to the side so she could place her elbows on the table and rest her chin upon her hands.

"That's sexy" Takato thought.

"And you could always see through me," she replied. A sigh followed her words, and she paused a while before continuing. "The truth is, I can find work whenever I want. I have more agencies calling me than I care for, and when I feel like it, I'll pick one. But I just needed a break from the crazy schedules, the constant bickering and primping

Did she just said "pimping?"

primping

Oh thank you, for a while i thought the writer of this fanfic had changed the roles

and being told I need to lose weight…"

she rolled her eyes. "It's horrible. Do you know what they call you in the modeling industry? They nickname you after your worst fault, and that's all you ever hear. Hey 'big nose,' or hey 'surfboard,' or 'zit face.' 

Or 'bitch', but this is a kids fanfic! That's why it's rated M for Mini right????!!!!!???

It's horrible, and I'm sick of it." She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead.

Takato shook his head. "That is horrible," he agreed, somewhat angry about it. Why would those people take the most beautiful people on the planet, and basically torture them and force them to be perfect. And still, all they did was name them something that probably wasn't even a fault at all. "Faults aren't bad," he said scowling. "They're what makes a person unique and worth knowing and loving. If anything, those things that are called faults are the most precious part. Without them, you'd just look like everybody else."

Sooooo that's why you wear apron?


Rika stared at him, sort of surprised by his outburst, and then smiled at him. "That was sweet," she teased. "I kind of like seeing you get all upset like that. It's cute."

"aaaand sexy!" Takato added.

Takato's face blushed a little. Not because being called cute was annoying to a guy, but because Rika had said it in such a way. 

AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE...

It was almost seductive. He cleared his throat and stood up, grabbing their plates. "I'll just put these in the kitchen," he said, walking that way.

Rika chuckled out loud, following him. "You're so shy," she teased, poking his ribs and making him jump a little. 

I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT! THAT ISN'T A SIGN OF LOVE! THEY JUST DO THAT SO THEY COULD ANNOY YOU!

"But it's just one of the things I love about you."

...

He nearly dropped the plates, managing to get them into the seat without breaking. "Wait, what?" he blurted, turning to face her. "Did you just say you loved me?"

.......

She clasped her hands behind her back, making a face like she was thinking about it and swaying her hips from side to side. "Well, not in so many words," she taunted. "But yeah, I guess I do."

If there would be another thing i would hate about this fanfic, it would be that they use too much body language.

Takato felt his face flush red. Here was the girl that he'd thought about almost every day since he met her, the same girl that would probably kill him if he even hinted that he liked her, and she was telling him that she loved him. How was he supposed to respond to this? "R-Rika!" he managed to get her name out. "This doesn't really seem like you but…"

"JUST KIDDING!"

"But?" She asked, walking forward coyly. She stopped a foot away, leaning her face towards his. She'd gotten taller, probably more than most girls in Japan, but he was at least a head taller than her.

YOU VANILLA MIDGET!

"Truth is, Takato, I've loved you since you first came into my life and made me realize what friendship truly was. I loved you the second you treated Renamon a plush toy with respect instead of how I treated her. When you showed me courage in the face of danger, and common sense when I was being stubborn."

Somewhere there, Avery Petrie's childhood was ruined...

Takato felt himself leaning towards her as she spoke, feeling her breath on his face. He could hardly believe was he was hearing. "I loved you the first time I saw you, in my dream. I never thought you would ever love me back, though. I thought you'd kill me if I ever let on that I even liked you."

.....................

"The old me might have," she grinned, lifting her chin and staring into his chocolate colored eyes.

Chocolate? Ugh, that's not sexy.

"But now all I can think about is you. When I came back into town and heard that you were here, I didn't want to go anywhere else."

Also because Tokyo and Kanto are full of losers!

There were only inches left between them, and Takato felt a rush of desire fill him that he had no mind to ignore. He closed the distance between them with a passionate kiss, and Rika answered back forcefully. Her lips felt so soft and alluring, and though he didn't have much experience with kissing, it seemed to come so naturally to him.

........................................

His hands snaked around her waist, pulling her close to his body, and she raised hers to circle his neck. He paused a second to breathe and suddenly her tongue slipped into his mouth, her kiss exploding with passion. Her fingers gripped his hair, pulling him closer to her, and he felt himself growing warmer with each second.

..............................................................

Rika was good at this. Every moment was bliss, and the tension in his body that her kissing caused was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Still, the fact that she was the one French kissing made him feel competitive. Her personality was the type that wanted to be in control, but that didn't mean he was going to let her take the lead without a fight! Between breaths he forced his tongue past hers, exploring her mouth fully. It was like a battle that neither of them wanted to end, but for some reason Rika pulled away and stepped back.

Good, that was incredibly romantic ^_^

Breathless, Takato looked at her with new eyes, admiring her face and figure as he'd never felt the freedom to do before. He loved every inch of her, and despite his desire to treat women with respect, all he wanted was to see her naked.

AND THEN THE ROMANCE WAS RUSHED LIKE A GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE!

"Come on," she whispered, grinning and walking backwards. "I'd do you here, but I know you want to keep the kitchen clean."

WELL, AT LEAST SHE KNOWS THE COMMON SENSE AND DOESN'T TURN THIS SHIT INTO A PORN FANFIC

Takato felt himself blush red, and he coughed in surprise. "Rika!" he blurted.

Why the writer of this shit loves the word "blurted"? That sounds disgusting in my opinion!

"Oh come on," she rolled his eyes. "What are you, a virgin? 

I'M SURE DAT GUY'S STILL A VIRGIN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

We both know where this is going. You want it, don't you?" she moved closer to him, swaying her hips seductively. "And I want it too."

"That's Sex... oh wait. That really is sexy!

He couldn't believe what he was hearing, but he wasn't an idiot. Walking forward, he reached for her and grabbed her waist, pulling her against him and kissing her. "Course I want it," he whispered huskily. "It's just a little new to me." He kissed her mouth, her chin, her jaw line, and her neck. She sighed loudly with pleasure.

More childhood-ruinage! Let's see how this ends!

"Then let's go," she whispered back. Within seconds they were stumbling up the stairs towards Takato's bedroom, not breaking contact as they explored each other's mouths with their tongues. 

WILL YOU STOP IT?!

The door was left open, and they practically fell onto the bed. Rika moaned as his kisses migrated back to her neck. She wanted feel the skin of his chest against hers, and reached her hands down to tug his shirt upward. "Take it off," she ordered, pulling it over his head and tossing it on the floor. Her lips turned up in a smile as she studied his chest. "My, my, you've been working out!"

Oh god, Don't tell me he has a sixpack. If he does, that means he's a former Tamer with muscles and obsession with bakery.

Takato grinned, reaching his hands around her neck so that he could pull off her jewelry, and followed that by ripping off her shirt and admiring her red lacy bra. "It beats doing nothing every evening," 

Yes, and for my next parlor trick, I shan't make anything appear!

he replied. And it was true. He had been working out every day, toning his body and conditioning himself. "Cardiovascular Health is important, you know."

Now Takato is just being a Marty-Stu.

"Shut up," Rika growled, gripping his hair with her fingers.

He chuckled and responded by continuing to kiss her neck. His hands moved so that he could feel her breast, rubbing his fingers over her hard nibbles. 

She had THIS in her breasts? Wow!

She sighed in response, and he slipped a hand behind her to undo the clasp and pull the bra off. "Rika," he breathed, staring. "You're so beautiful…"

Yet you are so ugly you wear an apron...

"Course I'm beautiful," she joked. "I'm a model." She smiled at him as he took her breasts in his hands and began to massage them.

NIBBLA! *Chomp*

"Yessss," she moaned, arching her back. They weren't the largest breasts, but they were full and perky, and incredibly sensitive. "Suck on them," she ordered.

I CAN! I CAN! I CAN! I CA...oh sorry, i didn't see you guys were still here...

Takato moved his face down to do just that. Sucking on her right nipple, he lapped at it in a circular motion, flicking it occasionally with the tip of his tongue. With his other hand he massaged her left breast, rubbing his thumb against the hardened nipple at all the right moments. She breathed loudly, sexily, and clenched the hair at the back of his neck with his fingers.

You know i don't hate every sexfanfic, i loved the one with Shinji and Asuka, and i thought it was a good ending. BUT THIS ONE ISN'T!

Without thinking, Takato pulled his hand away and reached downward, unbuttoning her pants and trying to pull them off. He had to stop what he was doing so he could finish, yanking the skinny jeans off as though he hated them. Rika giggled as he tossed them onto the floor and turned back. "Skinny jeans are a little inconvenient," he said.

WATCH OUT! IT'S PORN TIME AGAIN!

She yanked him down on top of her without replying. Beginning where he left off, he began to suck at her other breast, and slowly trailed his fingers down her sculpted stomach. They reached her red lace underwear and traced the edge of them for a second, before he slipped his hand inside. As his fingers slowly ran along the edge of her moist entrance, a loud moan escaped her mouth. He smiled, biting gently against her nipple at the same moment that he stuck a finger inside her.
Slowly he eased it in and out, rubbing her clitoris with his thumb. She squirmed and moaned in pleasure, her hips bucking once as he increased his speed and stuck a second finger inside. Not long after, he slipped in a third and thrust into her with a steady pace, With his thumb he rubbed and massaged the sensitive nub of nerve endings, and he moved his face upward so he could kiss her mouth passionately.
"Takato!" she moaned, her voice muffled by his tongue in her mouth. Her back arched as the tension inside her built up like a volcano waiting to explode. She was so close… "Faster!" she gasped.
His arm was getting tired, but he smiled and thrust faster and deeper inside her, finding that spot that gave her the most pleasure. She gasped and moaned, bucking her hips with his movements until her body grew stiff and her walls tightened around Takato's hand. She threw her head backwards and arched her back, screaming out his name as she orgasmed violently. As she writhed on the bed in ecstasy, Takato pulled his hand out and licked his fingers, liking the taste. He ripped her panties off of her and spread her hips open, leaning his face downwards so he could lap up her juices with his tongue. She practically gripped his head with her legs, holding him in place and moaning with pleasure.
"Oooooh, yessss! T-Ta-kato! Mmmmm….." Her head tossed back and forth. By the time her orgasm died down, she already felt the tension returning to her body from the ministrations of his tongue on her vagina and clitoris. His tongue moved like magic inside her, thrusting, lapping, licking and sucking as her wet juices streamed into his mouth, and he hummed with pleasure as he drank it all up.
Within minutes, she felt another climax growing in her. She grabbed her own breasts with her hands, massaging them and groaning out his name. Bucking her hips against his face, she cried out and came into his ready mouth, enjoying every second as he licked her clean.
He pulled back and sat on the bed, watching her squirm with a lopsided grin on his face. "Oh Rika," he murmured. "You're so sexy…"
"T-T-Taka-to…" Rika stuttered back, turning her head and smiling at him with a glowing expression. "You're amazing…Mmmmm…"
He stood and pulled off his pants and boxers, revealing his large and erect penis, then sat back down beside her. "Yeah, I am," he teased. He took her hand and wrapped it around his member, sighing at her touch. He locked eyes with her and grinned. "My turn."

Okay, that's enough. But, this didn't end yet, because this fanfic has THREE MORE CHAPTERS!!
What the hell? The start was okay, but then it turned into a shitty rule 34-story.

They basically have sex for next 3 chapters, i'm too lazy to review them anyway.

But at least this story gave me a lot of running gags to use in the future!

Thank you for reading! Please Comment what fanfic i should review next!    

Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction Corner: T'Was the night

Okay, everyone loves Christmas! Expect Jews. Jenovah's witnesses, terrorists and Russians.

And christmas means caring, presents, possible burnouts and fall of your economy! Also, Christmas also means incredibly lame Christmas specials, and also, Christmas fanfics, you know, the ones that make even "Pac-Man, video game character who saved Christmas" look good.

And for christmas, i am going to review another fanfiction that ironically features my favourite series ever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Christmas Special also known as T'was the night

Hey everyone. I this is just an idea i had rolling around in my head. I'm working on my other story as well so no worries. Now i hope you enjoy the product of my hyperactive mind!

T'was the night

The theater was alive with the sounds of a full house. Happy murmurs were echoing throughout the halls as people took their seats for the main show. It wasn't every day that the cast of the enormously popular and forever well-loved show Neon Genesis Evangelion broke the fourth wall for a Christmas special. Tickets sold out instantly as fans sat patiently to hear their favorite cast members sing their choice of holiday hits.  

....WAIT WHAT???

Evangelion gang singing Christmas hits??? Who came up with this? I know this is fake, but... it's still ridiculous...

I would only buy the CD if it features Nicholas Cage, Lemmy from Motörhead, Paul Whitehouse and Gary Oldman as Pontius Pilate!

The only thing that could satisfy the fans even more is if Rebuild of Evangelion 3.0: You Can (Not) Redo found its way to torrent sites faster. But at alas, one miracle at a time.

 Nah, i haven't found any torrents for 2.0 either.

"Places people! 5 minutes to show time!" the lovely and talented Misato Katsuragi shouted as people of NERV scrambled and forth in a mad dash to get the sets ready for each individual song. When she was certain no one was listening, Misato let out a very tired sigh. "Making this event possible is even worse than filing the damage reports of angel attacks" she pouted.

So this takes place in an Alternate dimension where Evangelion was a tv show but also a REAL THING???
So that means it's like Conan O'Brien with plot! Oh my god i need to take a christmas whisky!

"What, tired already? But the night is just beginning Katsuragi" A cool and confident voiced teased her. She whirled around, her hand already poised to attack Kaji but to her surprise her hand made contact with First Lieutenant Makoto Hyuga's face, knocking his glass clean off as he spiraled to the ground.

Stop attacking people, Katsuragi!

Misato pulled at the ends of her hair while shouting "You're not KAJI! I'm so so sorry!" Kaji chuckled next to her, clearly enjoying the sight of a distress Misato. Misato keen ears pick up on his chuckle and like a smart bomb,

BI-BI-BI-BIG IRONY-ONY BOMB-OMB-OMB

her hand connects to his face cleanly. "Well that stung a bit" Kaji cheerfully replies as he attempts to cover up the tears in his eyes. Misato's cheeks puff in anger as she begins to scold Kaji "What are you doing here? You are not even allowed to be in the building!" Kaji flashed as smile as he held up a card that said NERV approved. "Gendo gave me the okay so I can help you"

Oh god, Why? Why those people have fallen into THIS?

It's like gathering HomeStuck characters to sing religional songs with Puppet Jimmy Carter, La Parka and Gabe Newell!

"You can help me by leaving me alone!" Misato shouted as she helped Hyuga to his feet. "Sorry about that Makoto" She tells him sheepishly. Hyuga simply blushes before nervously laughing "No problem Major, no problem at all" He stares dreamily into her eyes, imagining a long passionate kiss that would make the collected Ryoji Kaji fume in jealousy.

So Third Impact turned Evangelion Characters into a gang of B-List Celebrities??? Just like what happened with A-Team, Muppets and Married With Children?? Expect this time, they are in their roles BOTH in real life and in TV??? Now i know how WWE Wrestlers feel...

"Hyuga! Are you listening!?" His mind snaps back to attention "No ma'am! I'm sorry I thought I saw…" "Can it, we don't have time. Do you have the information I need?" Hyuga nods quickly, handing her the list. "That's the order of people singing tonight. While most wrote down the song they are going to sing, we have yet to get one from Mr. Ikari, Miss Sohryu and Miss Ayanami"

Did "Sans", "Samas" and "Kuns" went out of model?


Misato slapped her forehead in annoyance "I want the whole team to make them have a song ready for me! Especially since Rei's first!" Hyuga nodded eagerly as Misato went off to dress. Try getting that image out of your head.

Yes, Fanservice would save this utter piece of shit story.

Shinji Ikari sighed. Then he thought about which song to sing….and sighed some more. 

HOW ABOUT...CHARLIE BROWN'S CHRISTMAS GALLEON EHAHUHAHEHAHUHAH

l4me like rocketboy always says...

When he supported this idea for a special as a thank you for all their fans,

Me. Asuka. Mari. Rei. Maybe Kaworu. One Room. No Rules. Ten Condoms. Thank You. You're Welcome.

he had no idea that meant he would automatically sign up to sing in it. He did not believe there was any girl who wanted to hear him sing…actually he didn't think anyone wanted to see him in general.

Well, nobody wants to see you...singing.

Shinji scratched the back of his hand nervously. He was hoping to use this as a chance to show Asuka how he felt. The confident, beautiful Asuka Langley Sohryu. 

Oh come on Shinji, just turn gay. If a Big time loser like Avery Petrie could do it, you can do it too because you're a... big time loser!

He loved her since he first locked eyes with her (though many may think when she flashed him is when he fell for her but he wasn't that kind of guy). But now he had no idea what to sing. Which Christmas song do you sing to tell someone you love them?

All i want for Christmas is you? Ever heard of that? Or just show her "Jesus H. Christ in China with Gary Oldman as Pontius Pilate!"

Shinji rose to his feet and walked over to his good friend Toji, who was currently checking himself out in the mirror. "Oh yeah, I look good" he muttered as he flexed for the mirror. Shinji was amazed it didn't crack.

Shinji had a friend named Toji? Well, for a while at least...

"Toji" Shinji called but Toji paid no noticed to him. "Oh yeah, all the ladies are gonna love ya" Toji said with a grin. "TOJI! I need your help" Toji frowned before turning to his friend. "Why'd ya interrupted me Shinji? I need to practice when I strut on stage for the ladies" Shinji looked in disbelief at his friend "but…you're wearing your track suit? You think the ladies will love you….in a track suit?"Toji smiled smugly "All for the fans. Isn't that why you're wearing your school uniform?"

Well, at least in Japan. But every anime has always DIFFERENT school uniform and british uniform's don't attract ANYONE! That's why Jasper and Lucy don't have different gender interests.

Shinji peered down. Actually he wasn't sure how to dress for these events and went with something familiar. "It's still better than a track suit" Shinji shot back. "Dude, ya need some style. I make this look good" Toji said with a deluded tone.

YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING SINGING! BEST WAY TO GET LADIES IS NOT TO SING OKAY??? AND WHERE THE FUCK IS KAWORU??? HE WOULD'VE ENDED THIS ME...cough, sorry, some of these fanfics just don't make sense...

Shinji resisted rolling his eyes. Right now he needed Toji's advice. He could ridicule his track suit later.

Also, why would someone wear track suit in Christmas??? I know Christmas has snow and snow is cold, but come on! This isn't the anniversary of hiking! Just wear sexy body suit or something! That's the trademark of the whole fucking series!

"Toji…I want to tell Asuka how I feel but I don't know which song would get my point across best. I mean I can't just tell her I dedicated a song to her! She'd laugh at me! But if I don't make it obvious enough she won't get the hint! Toji, what do I do?!"'

Just say, "This song has been dedicated for person i love, who passed away twice" That would get some sympathy!

Silence.
"Toji?" Shinji asked uncertainly. Toji just flexed some more and smiled at his reflection. Shinji bit his lip as he punched Toji in his shoulder. "OWW! What was that for!?" Toji rubbed his shoulder as Shinji "SONG. I need your help!" Toji looked thoughtful for a moment and Shinji was beginning to hope that his friend was going to make up for his earlier neglect.

"Dude I dunno"

IT'S VERDANT VLAD!!

Shinji let out a frustrated cry

IT'S SLUTTY BITCH AVERY PETRIE! I KNEW IT! THERE WAS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO! Expect Shinji can be nice.

The chattering of the fans came to a stop when the lights dimmed. There was a single spotlight shone on the middle of the stage as a click, clack sound of heels began to get louder and louder.

I guess only legacy this show would get is the "Super-Terrific Japanese Thing" article on Topless Robot.

Suddenly Misato appeared, wearing a strapless black dress that stopped just above her knee and shined against the lone spotlight. She wore light red lipstick and black heels that seemed to allow her to glide rather than walk. "Hello Fans!" She shouted into a microphone. At once she was met with wolf whistles and loud cheers. She shot a suggestive wink into the crowd and the theater just exploded. "Now, now settle down" She giggled, slowly the cheering died down.

It died because the show became awkward before it even started. Fuck it, put some Nicholas Cage in to sing "Merry Jollies to Everyone and NOT THE BEEEEEES!!"

"Now I am Misato Katsuragi" A loud cheer went up again "As you all know and I would like to welcome you to our showcase. This is just our way of saying thanks! Now before we get the ball rolling, I believe Mr. Gendo Ikari has a few words for you!"

The audience began clapping and cheering as Gendo calmly walked onto the stage in his usual commander outfit, hands clasped behind his back as he made his way to Misato. She handed him the microphone and took a step back as he turned to address the crowd, who were cheering their heads off. "Silence" Gendo spoke into the microphone and suddenly as if someone turned off the sound in the whole world.

Then, Gendo put his hand on his face and suddenly ripped his face off, and there was another face. Fans were astonished, instead of Gendo Ikari, there was now...

IT'S ME AUSTIN! "Oh you son of a-*gunshot" IT WAS ME, ALL ALONG AUSTIN.

But sadly that didn't happen, so let's go on.

Gendo paused, gathering the words he wished to present to his loyal, loving fans. Fans edge closer, each coming up with an idea of what the great and almighty Gendo Ikari's speech would be.

Silence rolled into seconds before Gendo finally said "Enjoy" and handed Misato the microphone as he walked pass. Misato's stunned face was nothing compared to the audiences. "Maybe…that was the wrong thing to say" she thought. As once the crowd cheered louder than what they had for Misato, which irked her a little. "Ungrateful little" She thought as she went on with her dialogue "Thank you Commander Ikari! Now let's get this show started with Rei Ayanami singing…er… a song!" Misato made her way off stage as the curtains rose, showing a sight that stunned the most devote Evangelion fan into silence.

Thankfully we won't see more, because this fanfic ended. Really!

IT WAS JOKE AUSTIN!

Why Mario and Sonic Must Move On...

Nowadays Mascot Gaming sucks, Kids play either C.O.D, Minecraft or Valve, or then they play retro games, and that's why they're bullied in school. People no longer make games with cute heroish characters who fight against actually pretty cool villains, because that wouldn't make any money.

People try to keep this mascot-thing alive, Especially, Nintendo, which has ended up becoming the most hated company of the "Big Console Billionaire Trio." Foolish kids who play C.O.D/Valve/Minecraft hate it, 4channers hate it and "THE TRUE GAYMERZ" hate it.

That's why Nintendo has Sega, which has turned into a straight-up joke with it's "darker and edgier" Sonic Games, and that's why people think Sonic is better than Mario.

WRONG, none of them are good enough to survive in this mass of nerds, LANs and Console Wars.

Alright, let's see, how we could IMPROVE these two so they would be super-popular again? Hmmm.

Mario needs to stop being repetitive and grow up

No, adding more beautiful backgrounds doesn't help

Mario made his last change back in 2007, when he jumped into space. After that we got NOTHING NEW. Just few shitty sequels of the previous games and New Super Mario Bros. series, that would be good IF THEY WOULDN'T REPEAT SAME SHIT ALL THE TIME!!!

Back in the 90's, when Nintendo was rich but stupid, they had a lot of "IdontknowanythingaboutMario"-workers, that gave birth to very weird Super Mario Land-games. They weren't canon, but they gave us the debut of Wario and Daisy. Also Nintendo messed up with CD-I and then we got Hotel Mario, which was incredibly shitty, but at least IT WAS ORIGINAL IDEA.

I think Nintendo should make a game that is completetly weird and new, basically they need to give rights to other company for a while and they must create a Mario Game and then Nintendo would publish it. That's the same way how Super Mario RPG: Legend of Seven Stars was born! Although Nintendo fanbois whined how Geno doesn't appear in the new games, and if they would do that. THAT WILL BE STILL COUNTED AS REPETITIVE.

Like i said, Mario needs to grow up, do what Sonic did. Become much darker, not "Super Paper Mario"-dark. SERIOUSLY DARK. Add blood, deaths and other stuff. Also make game kinda unmarioish so it wouldn't become so overrated like every other Mario game.

And what comes into Super Smash Bros Brawl, "FUCK IT. It's one of the most overrated games of this decade and everyone needs to stop liking it!" This quote was brought you by Dave McDonalds, go failtroll him into his Deviantart page.

If i gave this advice to Nintendo, what advice i would give to Sonic? Well...

Sonic needs to stop being furry faggot and become future teenagers Childhood icon.

You can't fap to DOWN SYNDROME SONIC!

Sonic's more popular than in the 2006, but who cares? He still can't be taken seriously after his fandom came in. He must become something that isn't causing furbitches to wet their panties. (Speaking of panties, did you knew that Dave and Jasper had a panty party last night? Thankfully Avery wasn't invented because then he would be pregnant.)

Sonic needs to become the friend of kids again. More popular than Mickey Mouse. Sonic was cooler back in his younger days, and he needs to come back into his midget persona FOR FULL BASIS, not just by appearing in a new shitty Sonic Generation that is also incredibly overrated.

Also, just like what happened with Mario, Sonic needs to get more sequels made by other companies, and actually give us Sonic X-Treme and also Eggman's Robotnik again. Because, in my opinion, Robotnik is more serious character than Eggman. Just look at him!

Seriously, you can't imagine that evil scottish head to say: "YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, THE MORE THE MERRIER"

So this is it. Shortly, Mario and Sonic need to change roles. And also, don't make Mario/Sonic Crossovers anymore, so it would give an image that they're RIVALS.

SHOULDN'T YOU GUYS FIGHT INSTEAD OF TEACHING FAT KIDS THAT SPORT IS FUN???

Fortan Reviews Crap: Sonic The Hedgehog

Sorry for delays, dudes. I haven't made a blogpost after Novengelion, because i haven't came up with anything.

But, now, after i found out Avery likes Sonic again, i decided to make fun of that foolish furry icon, by reviewing ALL Sonic's games in a WrestleCrap stylish 100% pessimistic way. This isn't my official opinion, i just do it because Dave Fandom member likes this shit.

Sonic The Hedgehog is an video game mascot for Sega, and answer to Nintendo's stupid fat plumber. He once was more popular than Mickey Mouse. But sadly, now he has fallen into THAT level,

thousands of recolours, pornography, crazy fans, horrible sequels...

And Mario had only stupid fanbois, repetitive games and Weenee...

Let's start with Sonic's past, and the time when he became popular among the kids. (Yes, i said THE KIDS, not 40-year old public masturbators)

Sonic The Hedgehog (1991)

Only good thing is he doesn't look so furry.

This is the first adventure of Sonic, where evil Dr. Robotnik/Eggman has kidnapped animals, and Sonic the Animal Rights Defender must save them or else PETA would sue Sonic.
Robotnik also steal Sonic's dick, like i said in my first Filthy Fanfics Corner, which caused him to run fast.
Sonic also must find Chaos Emeralds to get into Robotnik's house and save all the animals and the whole island.

This game made Sonic popular, but PETA still sued Sonic because he was painted blue and he had no dick.

Game also got an 8-bit version, that featured a secret ending where Sonic killed Mario.

Sonic Eraser (1991)

CREATIVE.

 Sonic's second game, that debuted Tails and according to many people its the best soni...oh wait.

Why isn't this titled Sonic The Hedgehog 2? At least its a new Sonic game!
Along with this, there was SegaSonic Cosmo Fighter and Waku Waku Sonic Patrol Car, where Sonic chases terrorists with Pac-Man.

At least i think it does...

Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (1992)

Featuring Sonic, his little furry buddy, Evil scottish head and a giant two!

This is actually Sonic 4, because Eraser, Cosmo Fighter and Patrol Car came before this, but whatever.
In this game we meet Sonic and his little buddy Tails, how did they meet? I don't know, the game never told.

Robotnik has once again stolen the Chaos Emeralds and Sonic's dick. (WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE LITTLE ANIMALS? DID SONIC KILLED THEM TO CREATE TAILS OR SOMETHING?)
He uses them to power his "Death Egg". (Stealing from Star Wars. How original!)

This is also the first appearance of Mecha Sonic, who doesn't look like Mecha Sonic, more like a Garbage can that is made to resemble Sonic.

Bad Game minus five stars.

SONIC SPINBALL (1993)

This game features Sonic roasting on rails! And some rocks.

Robotnik has stolen the Mountain of St. Mobius and wants to turn it into a factory that could turn animals into robots, he has also stolen the Chaos Emeralds and this time, Sonic's balls.

In this Pinballish Action Game, Sonic must go thru random pinball levels and fight his minions!

Excuse me what?

Back in the days games were serious business, and they waste all their money to this shit?

Well, i guess they were too rich because after this, even more horrible abomination was released.

Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine (1993)

Also Known as "Robotnik goes Retarded"

In This game, Sonic must defeat Robotnik who has turned all the Jelly Beans (PETA has finally gone thru) into a robot slaves. Sadly, it doesnt have Robotnik as a main character.

It's based on a cartoon, named Adventures of Sonic The Hedgehog, that is known as "The Grave of Friendly Sonic." Only good thing being in that Cartoon that it didn't had furry characters unlike the later cartoons. After that, Sonic made his way on failed Sega Console called Sega CD.

Sonic CD (1993)

AUUUGH!

Robotnik stoles an ENTIRE PLANET this time and he has a NEW Mecha Sonic with him! Also the debut of Amy Rose, a bitch who was the first-ever Sonic masturbator. Game won "The biggest Nightmare Fuel Of 1993," from the screen seen above, and that's why Sonic gang decided to move on...

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG TREE! (1994)

Tails has got his cartoon look for some reason.

This was the first appearance of more serious Sonic. Robotnik stoles some shit and also finds Master Emerald. Sonic and Tails try to save the world again, but instead meet Knuckles, his future bed buddy of Furries.
It also got an expansion named Sonic & Knuckles, where Knuckles becomes a good guy. After this game Sonic 4 never came, (THAT OTHER Sonic 4 doesn't count, Real Sonic 4 is released on a Sega Console!)
After this succesful game, Sonic's downfall started, by creating a horrible Mario Kart rip-off.

Sonic Drift (1994)

This is where Sega lost ideas, after few educational games. They decided to create a rip-off of Mario Kart, in 8-bit!

Seriously, who bought this game? Probadly the same guy who bought Tails's own games, Sonic Labyrinth and so horrible Sonic Schoolhouse...

The next game, however, was something completetly different.

Knuckles Chaotix (1995)

Looks like stupid limited Sonic.

In this game Knuckles works as a bodyguard in Amusement Park, but then Robotnik attacks there and imprisons Knuckles's friend, Vector The Kremling, Espio The Chameleon, Charmy The Bee and Mighty The...Beta-Shadow? Knuckles saves his friends one at the time and must face that stupid scientist because Sonic is a bitch.

You thought this was a bad game? Wait until you see THIS!

SONIC 3D BLAST (1996)

What.

Just because Mario moved to 3D Sega had to think of Sonic doing the same, and so they created Sonic 3D Blast, that has none of the characters seen before expect Robotnik, who has kidnapped Chaos Emeralds again because he's bored.

This game was boring, and Sonic looked like he was acting and was really having some kind of a Down Syndrome.
And that's where Sonic's downfall started, my friends, thankfully, he was still far away from becoming a furry icon, after Sonic The Crimefighters and few others...

he became a furry icon.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Sonic Adventure.

Sonic Adventure (1998)

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, THE MORE THE MERRIER

Robotnik wakes up a god named Chaos, who hates everyone. Sonic and his new furry-fied friends must fight that stupid water drop in a place.

This is the part where all the characters young characters became hot and 40-year old masturbators started to love it.

And after Sonic Adventure 2, The Shitty big-dick furry overrated recolour Sonic was born we all know and love...

And so original Sonic was forgotten until he showed up again in an overrated piece of shit called Sonic Generations! Thankfully, Sonic games were released a lot LESS since the beginning days. One day we might see Sonic in "Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine 2: Yogtopussies Attack!"

Novengelion FINALE: Evangelion 3.0 Review (SPOILERS)

Alright, this month that nobody gave a shit about, has been passed. And now it's time for big finale before i return back to mocking everyone.

To be honest i haven't seen the movie, but i would like to. I WANT TO!
So instead i will use the plot written on EvaWiki...
I will update this everytime new spoilers come because they're not completissimo!


The story begins 14 years after the events of the previous film. 

WHAT? They have suddenly started a completetly new story? What kind of FACKING BULLSHEET is this?

Most of Nerv's original adult staff, sans Gendo and Fuyutsuki, now belong to an organization called Will-e (German Wille, "will"),

 Will-E? You mean, Wily?

IT'S ME MEGAMAN! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!

 led by Captain Misato Katsuragi, and including Eva pilots Asuka (in Eva-02) and Mari (in the new Eva-08), Toji's sister Sakura, and several new characters. From their flying battle ship AAA Wunder, 

So Wunderbaum-spruces and a Lucha Libre company have teamed up with Dr. Wily? In An Evangelion universe? That sounds totally awesome!

the two Evas launch a mission into low orbit to retrieve a giant tesseract wherein Eva-01 has been contained, with Shinji absorbed within all this time. The 11th Angel, a collection of mechanoid orbital drones, go on the offensive, with one ultimately revealing itself camouflaged on the tesseract. When measures against it fail, Asuka pleas for Shinji to do something, and Eva-01 rouses briefly to destroy the Angel through a crack in its container. Eva-02 and the tesseract fall to Earth, as Kaworu watches, and says, "Welcome home, Shinji Ikari. I've been waiting for you." 

Kaworu becomes a creepy pervert at this point.

They return to the Wunder, currently positioned in polar waters with a fleet of warships and aircraft carriers. The crew salvages Shinji from Eva-01. Once his identity and memories are confirmed, he is brought before Misato, Ritsuko, and others, equipped with a collar device that confirms that he is still human. After being given some freedom to roam the ship, the 11th Angel attacks the Will-e fleet. Eva-01 is put in place as an energy source for the fleet at the core of the main ship, the ships become airborne, and Wunder's main weapons destroy the Angel. 

Eugh.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction Corner: Neon Genesis Equestria

In Modern Day Times of Me, there are 4 things that will make me angry:

1. Keep blabbering about shitty politics.
2. Take All My Stuff Down
3. Make Giga-Sakura or sexyasiangirl cry.
4. Crossover something i like with something I HATE

The following fanfic broked number four, and i am now very angry to this fanfic. I wish i could rip the asshole who wrote this into pieces!
As you can see, this is NGE/Pony crossover, i don't care about shitty ponies anymore, but crossing them with NGE is, just, UNHOLY.

Now, sadly, i've found an MLP - Evangelion crossover, and i guess mentally crazy kids become now cute little ponies who ride in rainbows!

Anyway, let's move to our shitty fanfics written by... Nekotabi.

"What are you doing here?"

Alone, the boy standing in the middle of the road when he heard a soothing voice whispers in his ear. He turned his head; try to find the source of the voice. But as he gazed, nothing he but an endless darkness where light fade away. He hears no sound. Not even the speckled rain made voices. It was like a scene from a silent movie. Not in monochrome it is in full color provided by the light from the only source, a street lamp. He could see the black color of the asphalt and gray color of rubble, and also the faded paint of broken bicycle that was belong to him.

Okay, this had a lot of grammar errors, so it's gonna be BAD!
I won't be surprised if "I ALSO SOMETHING IMPORTANT!" makes an appearance in this fic.

The voice, what did it says? It asked him, what he doing here? He doesn't know, more than that, he simply never cares.
"Why are you alone, where is your friends?" the voice heard again, asking silly question..

"Where is your friends?" So this tells about Jamaican Ponies?

Friend!? What a strange word, an alien concept, a mysterious thing. What constitute a friend? The boy find no suggestion, yet his heart drawn painfully to this word. He know some people, their name. Are those people his friend? No, he answers.

This would've been good evangelion imagination, but the jamaican talk ruins it and makes it just laughable.

What a friend? What constitute a friend actually?

 "What a friend? That is tricky question, how if I show you instead?

 My name is Twilight Sparkle. What is your name?"

...
OH
MY
GOD

SERIOUSLY, NGE IS A SERIOUS STORY OF MANKIND'S FAITH! NOT A KAWAII PONY STORY! GET BACK TO SWEDEN!


The boy answers the question, Shinji. Ikari Shinji.
"Shinji.. Nice to meet you..."

"LET'S HAVE SEX!"

"Train A2 has been left... Tokyo three station."
Darkness fades away into light as Shinji awakened by the voice of the train station announcement. It seems that he daydreaming again, with same dream, each dream more vivid than before. This dream got stronger, especially since he accepted a letter from his father.

Had long since his father contacts him, it's been years. No telephone, no letter, nothing. He did not even come to his birthday, always busy with his works in Tokyo three. The boy has long been considered his father to be dead. His old guy left him to an uncle that never really care and then gone. He think his father share that mutual feeling.

So this is appareantly Neon Genesis Evangelion re-told with Ponies being characters in Shinji's mind And everyone are Jamaican?

FUCK THIS COMPANY!

But dead man can't write a letter. A letter that are marked a big logo of Nerv, organization where his father works, comes to him few days ago. All the writing comes with type, except the signature. Shinji know, that this signature belong to his father. He ever see it once, he never forget.

Never Forget the Montreal Screwjob!

Why is Shinji talking like Hulk anyway?

Even he hates his father so much, he accept this invitation because he would accept any ticket to go away from that empty hole where he lived before. Deep in his heart, he seeks to change. Deep in his heart he find hope for his father, a hope that he had already try to extinguish so hard.

NOPE.

What time is it? Shinji looked to a big clock hang in station. It is showed him that he has wait for more than three hour. Hope was slowly lost in his heart. He gets sleepy.
A mirage of a purple little unicorn awakens him. It is only a mere second, and the unicorn gone. Maybe it is only a hallucination provided by hot air of this city. But why the Pony.

Yes, i'm asking the exact same question, Shinji. WHY THE FUCKING PONY?

"Shinji, Ikari Shinji Right?" said a very beautiful woman, "I'm so sorry, we had a little trouble."
A beautiful woman with black purpleish long hair greet him. Shinji and this woman shakes hand, he only see a smile that beauty from magazine. If Shinji doesnt see the Nerv Logo, he must been guess the girl is a model or movie star.

Everyone fucking knows where this is going, this is Neon Genesis Evangelion BUT WITH FUCKING PONIES AND INSTEAD OF JAPAN THEY'RE IN FUCKING JAMAICA! Next we are going to have Robot Donkey Kong or La Parka making an appearance!

Suddenly Shinji acknowledge in the air three helicopter flies with loud noises, the type Shinji only ever see in a movie, heavy armored helicopter. They go full speed to the south, like going to a battlefield.
"Damn JDSF, we too late, hop in the car kid, we need go fast, really fast, by the way my name Misato Katsuragi, nice to meet you," Mitsuko invite shinji to a shake.

Oh god, she name Misatu Katsuragi! She Jamaican. Also suddenly she's called Mitsuko anyway!

FUCK THIS COMPANY (x2)

"Shinji, Ikari Shinji..." said Shinji.
"Prepare Shinji-kun It is going to be one hell of a ride," This lady was not kidding.
It is really one hell of a ride, at least they flip over the car once and almost hit a cat twice. Misato, the lady with a black-purple hair ride along the city street like a drunk nascar racer. Shinji almost can't believe he still alive, in that roller coaster to death. It look like this woman try to defy gravity as they jump and drift along quiet city.
"Aw, Damn! I hope NERv got Insurance Policy on my car," Said Misato "Well, Shinji! Welcome to NERv Tokyo Three Base, Incredible spacious underground base, that makes no sense. Yes, they should pay the worker more."
Shinji gap in amazement as he look from the window to a underground city. Buildings hanging on the ceiling of the sky, and in the ground an mysterious pyramid stand in artificial forest. The scenery is soo beautiful yet so absurd. They now sit in a car, that slowly moved along inside giant escalator. They go deep down to the earth.
"Misato, what is this earthquake?" Said Shinji after he felt small tremor.
Misato answer with a flat voice, "It's kind of... hey how your travel? I heard that your village had nice sake, is it right?"
"I guess"
"If only I got more holiday. By the way do you want to know what we doing here... we defend the earth... do you know the Second Impact.. "

God, am i really wasting my time for this Jamaican NGE with ponies appearing randomly!

Behind the black Glasses his father stare him, Shinji didn't see his father eyes, but yet he can feel that cold icy eyes pierce into him. Shinji clenched his hand. He look up above him. A giant purple devil face look back to him, they called it Evangelion. That is war machine, build to fight the Angel. The monster that rampage everything, and destroy world few years ago by creating second impact.
The people busy looking into the monitor, or passing away with sophisticated equipment. Shinji know, they look at Shinji, try to eavesdrop everything. Want to know who is this new child soldier. In anger, he looks back to Misato. That woman look troubled, even in her strong composure. Misato smiled, a smile of warm vanity.
"I know you afraid, it not that hard, you just need to ride on the Evangelion and you gonna be okay..."
"Don't touch me!" Shinji reject Misato hand that reach for him "I know it is a lie".
"Do you really understand what the stakes here, do you realize what happened if we can't destroy this angel. That could be the end of the world, many people will die!"
"Just find somebody else!" Said Shinji.

Somebody, who's, all black and has you know, green glasses! He Sucks, get him!

The short silent was interrupted by tremor that grow stronger each time. Misato looked like lost word, he only stare Shinji. The boy did not dare to see Misato's face. Misato try to seek help from the boys father, she know that it is a wrong choice. Commander gendou not a people person.
"What a waste of time! The boy useless make he gone, we send first child..." The boy's father turns his back on Shinji while fixing his glasses position.
Misato glare in anger to his commander, then he said with rage "Do you understand the situation commander; Rei is not in the good condition!"
"The boy won't work, send her here."
Misato then glance a Shinji with mixture of hate, sad and desperate. She didn't do anything, only go away from the location after a salute to her commander. In the wind Shinji hear Misato's curse, he don't know it is for his father or for him.
Shinji still there, inside he want to scream, not by fear but by anger. He stares to his father back and yell.
"So you want me to come for this!"
Gendou hold his walk; turn around to Shinji, "What do you expect? Cookies?"

What Did i Expect? Good Grammar? No!

"I... " Shinji doesn't answer, he stare on the ground, girt his teeth.
The backup pilot came, and Shinji shocked. A gurney with a young women lay in it push into near the Evangelion. The beautiful girl was wrapped by bandage, he look like seriously injured. He try to stand, but then fall into floor. He was try to stand but only unsteady hold to the rail, even to breathe already very hard for her. The girl groaned in pain, try to stand up. Even to watch is already very painfull.
"First child reporting to duty... uhuk" She cough blood.
"Rei how your condition?" Said Commander Ikari.
"Yes sir I can do it.. uhuk.. uhuk.."
What happening? His father send a sick girl in a battle. This is madness! Inside, Shinji want to scream but outside he only stare the floor in silence. Clench his fist, he want to hit the air, scream to the sky. He want to explode his anger in center of being. He want to die.

JAMAICAN HULK WANT TO DIE!


"Shinji... Shinji..."
And then suddenly, comes the great shock. A great earthquake shakes the earth as Angel try to dig a hole to base below. Nerv base was build to defend from inhuman attack, but that not enough. Nerv base was shatered piece by piece. Shinji look up, when he found a great debris fall from the Nerv celling. The piece of concrete will flatened him to the ground. He gonna die.
"Shinji.. Shinji.."
With same voice that he heard in the dream, she speak to him. It is inside a dream again, he become a six year old boy again.
"Shinji... This is Twilight, how your doing?"
"Not good, I, I.."
"Afraid?"
"..." Shinji not answer

I've got to seriously tell you, this is the most ridiculous fanfic i've ever read. I've said it already million times!

FUCK THIS COMPANY! (3x)

Twilight smile" Dont worry Shinji. We in this together. Hoof to hoof. Now it is time for you to stand up. You have things to protect... you are not alone..."
Shinji looked up. The hand of Eva protecting him from debris fall. He look at the sick pilot then to his father.
"I will pilot Eva.." The Boy Said.



Okay, i don't even want to know how this continues, read rest of this shitty fanfic here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8124034/2/Neon-Genesis-Equestria

Excuse me, now i must walk to the other room and think why am i still living. AND REMEMBER TO VOTE FOR TCoS AWARDS!

Novengelion Filthy Fanfiction Corner! Angel's Soul

October is over, school and work is on full basis, and we come close to Winter, and 2013 WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE END OF THE WORLD COMES LOLno.

Anywho, let's start Novengelion Month, with a Fortan's Filthy Fanfiction Corner! The Only corner here that people actually read! I guess nobody will visit my blog for this month because it's all about Neon Genesis Evangelion, and it's old. Yes guys, NGE totally aired in 1936! Keep going on your HIWHEness!

HIWHE, now THAT is an old word, and makes no sense anymore anyway.

But let's not go to past, let's go to future. Not to 2016, to Far Far Future, when Rei is dead and Shinji's son goes to her grave and Asuka's ghost is jealou.....

What?

The Following fanfic was written by Dolpher.

1.
"Enough this boring math!" with these words Shinji entered the classroom and looked around. Good. Rei is here.
Ignoring both his classmates, who were staring at him (all but Ayanami), and his teacher who hesitated between 'student Ikari, why are you so late' and 'WHAT? How dare you!' Shinji took a pistol out of his book-bag.

It started goodly, but then the writer confused Shinji with Sousuke Sagara at the end.

Great, now we are missing La Parka and Metalhead Donkey Kong, and we can say FUCK YOU to this story.

2.
"Let's get a history lesson." Shinji smirked knowing that he was a center of his classmates - even Rei - and teacher's attention now.
"TT. Guns TT-system were used during the World War Second. In 1990s, that means 50 years later, they began popular again. Why? It turned out that a TT pistol is unstoppable. There was not - and there still is not - a bullet-proof jacket which would be able to stop a bullet shot with TT. So, bad news for you guys. The gun in my hand is TT-system. And remember that you do not have bullet-proof jackets. See? You are in troubles."

Why the hell writer turned Shinji into menacing school shooter? Real Shinji would drop the gun from his hand and then start waving weirdly.

Not sure about the Red-eyed Rebuild Shinji though, he would kick universe's ass with fists.

"Ikari!" Kentsuki glared at the boy, "What are you doing?"
Shinji looked at his friend and the teacher believed that was the right moment for an attack. But Shinji - as if he had eyes on his back - turned around in the very last moment and shot.

And suddenly Shinji was Gendo.

3.
It was not a dead shot. Bullet in stomach won't kill immediatly. But it gives results - instead of getting Shinji and disarming him the teacher fell on the floor bleeding like the proverbial pig.

Now i get it! This is Neon Genesis Evangelion: Pink Floyd Version!

That means La Parka is actually a Crazy Diamond and there will be no money!

"What am I doing?" Shinji smirked one more time.

"Curse my regimented upbringing!"

 "Don't you get it?

"MEEEEEEE!"

"I am not kidding. Well, boys and girls, move your butts and go. Get out of the classroom! And take this parody on sensei with you. NOW!"

Shinji seems to be mad about school system of Japan and now wants everyone move to the big blue bubble in the middle of the nowhere.

All 9 students stood and three boys came to the teacher. They had no idea how they would be able to carry him out of the classroom. The man was really fat and heavy.

GABE NEWELL!

Two of the boys were Shinji's friends but that was obvious for them that their friendship meant nothing for the boy with the gun right now.

OF COURSE IT DIDN'T! STOP STATING THE OBVIOUS! WHEN ARE THE COPS COMING?

Having this choice between "leave and live" and "stay and die" 4 girls joined the boys. The girls believed that Shinji - and his gun - will stay in the room, so the sooner a student leave it the longer he or she will live.

THERE IS A FREAKING GUN SEQUENCE HAPPENING! THERE ARE CAMERAS FOR THINGS LIKE THESE! CALL THE FUCKING COPS ALREADY!

And it looks like the girl were right. When the seven students took their teacher and left Shinji didn't follow them. He looked at two girls who still were inside.

*Suddenly, a sex scene*

4.
'God, thank You, Rei-chan is here' with that thought Shinji glared at Asuka:
"What are you waiting for, Reds? Get out!"
"No way, baka! I am not scared of you!"

Why Those silly Americano's always think Japanese people insult people with the word baka? I know it means stupid, but Japs are people too, that's why the word "Kusottare" exists.

Although Asuka's catchphrase was "What are you, stupid?". But he doesn't say it every time.
Kusottare is good enough.

"You should be." Shinji smiled to Ayanami, "as for you, I am glad you are here..."
"WHAT?" the hitler-girl interrupted him.

What a fancy way to insult german people, are there any images where Asuka is a nazi anyway?

We need "Asuka is Informed"-videos to replace the Hitler ones. Seriously.

"You mean, you did it just because you want to stay alone with Wonder Girl in the classroom? BAKA!"

These days Baka is only used by otaku people against trolls.

 'Does that idiot have any brain in her skull? To call a man with gun 'baka' does not serve for her life.' Shinji sighed:

I've got to agree with Shinji. And he's got a gun.

"Yes I did this because I need to talk with Ayanami-san in private. Happy now, Asuka? Get lost."

"No, I will not let you..."
"I am not going to hurt Ayanami, okay? Leave us alone. I won't kill her."

Sounds like Tommy Wiseau for some reason.

"I don't care about the doll! I will not let you die. Idiot! What do you think our classmates do right now? They are calling police."

FUCK THE TOMORROW POLICE!

"What will you do when S.W.A.T. come for you?"

WHATCHU GONNA DO, WHEN ASUKA AND THE BAKAMANIACS, RUN WILD ON YOU!

"No one will come, stupid girl. GET OUT!"

Sounds like Jasper from 2011, plus capitals and symbols.

And now Asuka saw her own destiny in Ikari's eyes. She saw it clear and crystal if she says something right now (no matter what: "hello", "I love you", "baka") Shinji will send dozens bullets in her head. Asuka looked at Rei hoping the Wonder Girl would do something.

DANCE, DANCE BOTH OF YOU!

And the albino did.

And more insulting! This fanfic is more rude than Married......With Children!

She came to Shinji.
Rei Ayanami stopped near the boy and asked:
"Who are you?"

Oh Rei you're just one successful troll.

Asuka didn't believe in what she just heard. What a stupid question! But to her surprise Shinji smiled and said:
"I knew that of all people you were the only one who could guess."

I.
AM.
OVERMIND BATMAN BEOWULF IRON MAN THE GAME SHINJI FUCKING IRAK IKARI

What a... Is he not Shinji?
Asuka looked at him with the best of her attention. It looked like Shinji. No doubts it was Shinji Ikari, the Third Child.

Unless it was La Parka, the master of disgussion and games and sack of bones.

Shinji (Shinji?) sighed:
"Well, Ayanami-san, would you like me to explain everything in private?"
"I want Pilot Soryu to listen your explanation with me if that is acceptable for you."
"Fine. Hey, Redhead, you may stay."
"I don't need your permission, you idiot."

Last line sounds like typical Giantess Collager.

'That's it' the boy thought. 'I am so sick of this witch.'
He shot right in the red-haired girl's forehead. The dead body fell on the floor and the boy said to Rei:
"Looks like that was UNacceptable for me."
"I see."

What? Somebody gets killed and Rei is like "I See?". In my fantasies you weren't so heartless!

Also in my fantasies doesn't have bitch Asuka.

Or Shinji with a Gun.

Also what a way to kill guest star! I'm telling to Hideaki Anno!

5.
"Man, I am really scared." They boy shook his head. "Fine, let's start. Rei... um... suppose commander Gendo Ikari was shot by major Misato and suppose that happened in his office... um... and suppose a year later you enters the office - and it is the same date, the 25th of November- and sees the commander. He is alive but when you say something like you are so happy to see him alive, he doesn't understand you. He says that of course he is alive and how could he not. Can you suppose that situation, Ayanami-san?"

"Affirmative."

What in the bloody hell they're talking about? Suddenly Shinji gone nice, Misato killed Gendo. (Didn't it go backwards?)

"Good news." The boy smiled but the smile vanished really fast:
"So, how do you explain it? Why is Gendo alive and doesn't know that he was killed? And before you answer: no, he is not a clone who doesn't have memory of its original. See? NOT a clone."

So Shinji gone bullshit crazy because his father didn't know that he was supossed to be dead and 304th law of united Nations say "Dead Must Stay Dead!"
Don't break the law to follow the law.

Man, that sounds like the new Judge Dredd quote.

"I do not have any explanation then."
"Oh come on, I know you do, Rei-san."
The girl nodded:
"Negative. What I would think can not be considered as a solution for your riddle."
"Just tell me!"

"Any supernatural thing. A shipskinner, a doubler, a ghost,.."
"Stop. So, it is a ghost. Ghost who doesn't know that he is dead."

Now i realized the point of this fanfic.
This was written by Fuzzy chicken who wants to troll Evangelion fans by making nonsense-making and random story that is supossed to mock NGE's weird plot.

If you want to mock nonsense-making plot, write an Anti-Homestuck fanfic.

The boy kept silence for a minute or two and said:
"If you explained him that would he believe you?"

Just call the Ghostbusters already.

"I don't know. On the one hand, according to mythology a ghost who thinks it is alive will never believe in opposite information. On the other hand, the commander knows that I always tell him truth so he would has no choice but to believe me. He would think that he is alive and as a living person he would knew I told the truth."

Well, go tell this guy is dead and nobody wants to see him anymore.

"You mean that depends on what would be dominated personality in him: a ghost or the commander?"
"Yes, I do."
"And what does dominate in you right now?"

If this Fuzzy Chicken goes even crazier i will give up.

6.
The blue-haired girl glared at the boy and saw sadness on his face:
"I am sorry but I do not understand your question."
"Remember, I said Asuka that no one would come? I said it because... Rei-san, I AM so sorry... I mean... Well, I am Shinji Ikari's son. I am 15, so today is not the 26th of November, 2015. Today is the 26th of November, 2038. There was an accident in this school 23 years ago. An explosion and fire then. Forty five pupils as well as sixteen teachers, two janitors and five white rats from biology room died."

What? So that's why Shinji, i mean Shinji Ikari Jr. would go crazy?
Alright, if this story also features evil space cowboys, Dutch ballerina's and appearance by La Parka, i'll give up. I can hold the sex fanfics but not crazy ass Fuzzy Chicken trollfics.

Their eyes met themselves and all Rei could see was truth and sorrow. The boy kept talking:
"Well, as for the war. When you died commander Ikari activated your clone. The third clone'd been killed by the sixteenth angel and the commander activated yet another clone. The clone and my father stopped the last angel then SEELE sent army to destroy NERV. My grandpa was trying to use your clone for the Third Impact (oh, by the way, that was your last clone - Dr. Akagi killed them all). But..... so, thanks to my father and to your clone, Lilith gave people their second chance. But people, who died before the Impact has begun, didn't get their lives back. Most of them were reborn and some of them decided to be in the LCL ocean. And some of them... they are like..."
"Like me" Ayanami finished his sentence.

Did this just make sense? I know it didn't made sense for you who didn't watch Evangelion AKA Fuzzy Hens.

"Y... Yes. Ghosts in trap. They are doomed to spend their last day and die again and again and again."
The boy became a bit more nervous but managed to say his next monologue with no sign of any hesitation:

Damn it, it's starting to make sense! Goodbye!